Post a hug for Valentine’s Day!


Yep. It’s that time of year again!

Here’s my funny Valentine video for you!

So, for all the Virgin guys out there without a Valentine today, whether you’re a nerd or not….  here’s a great big hug from me.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

(And if any of you guys could post a hug to the Virgin ladies out there without a Valentine, I’m sure they’d appreciate it!)

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How I came to be a Perpetual Virgin. part 6

Someone once said “Everybody is afraid of dying until it hits you! After that you don’t give it a second thought.” That quote popped into my mind as I was thinking about what to write for this post and it’s ironic how much it sums up my own experience of being absolutely terrified of becoming a 30-year-old Virgin. Like so many others, I had brought into everything bad that society said about adult Virginity — that adult Virgins are abnormal, freaks, losers, and failures as women. I had been so brainwashed by this garbage that I had, in fact, looked upon turning 30 as a sort of death, because 30 was the “final deadline.”

According to society, you should lose their Virginity before your 18th birthday because you are considered an adult at that age, and no respectable adult should be a Virgin. And though it’s “disappointing” if you don’t make this first deadline, it’s OK, there’s still time. The second deadline comes at age 25. If you still haven’t had sex by then, society says, you definitely have issues, but there’s still hope because you’re not over the hill yet. But once you hit that third and final deadline, the big 3-0, and you still haven’t lost it — you are officially condemned to social oblivion. Three strikes, you’re out!

Fortunately for me being “out” had it’s benefits. Once the unthinkable had happened — I greeted my 30thbirthday still as pure as a newborn babe — all the fear and anxiety I’d experienced over the prospect of getting stuck with an “expired” V-card vanished. By the time I turned 31 and the “final deadline” had faded into the rear view mirror, all the things that society said about Virginity and sex didn’t matter so much anymore. Everything started to look brighter and clearer, and for the first time in a long time I felt a sense of peace because I was no longer at war with myself. I was no longer fighting the Chaste woman who I was meant to be, and I was no longer trying to destroy the Virginity that was so much a part of me.

Now that I had accepted the fact that I was different, I suddenly felt extremely lonely and isolated. I felt alienated from everyone else around me because I was the only adult Virgin I knew. I wondered if there were any other people like me. I decided to find out, and there was no better place to start than online.

The first significant pro-Virgin website I found was one whose title page declared that Virginity and Celibacy was “a way to longevity and a healthy life.” FINALLY! In an anti-Virgin world where everything was all about sex, I had finally found something that I could relate to. I was so thrilled to have found such a site that devoured its pages without even stopping to comprehend what I was actually reading — like a starving man shoveling heaps of food in his mouth without taking the time to taste it. But the highlight of it all was viewing the website’s guestbook and the tons of comments left by Virgins, many of them my age or older. What a relief it was to finally know that I was not the only one, and that I was not so odd after all. And there were male Virgins, too. More of them than I would have expected there to be. In fact, the males seemed to outnumber the females, not that I had any complains.

My excitement came to a screeching halt, however, when I became aware from closely reading the various messages that this site was about LIFELONG CHASTITY, and advocated staying a Virgin for your ENTIRE life. No sex. No marriage. EVER! Somehow I had missed that part coming in. I couldn’t believe it! As far as I knew, Perpetual Virginity was the stuff of myths and legends. I had never heard of people who chose to permanently remain Virgins in real life; I didn’t even know it was possible, let alone an option. At that time, I was still technically practicing abstinence until marriage. I had always planned on getting married and having sex eventually, because I assumed that marriage and sex, like death and taxes, were inevitable. No matter how much I enjoyed being a Virgin I understood that one day it had to end, because “you can’t stay a Virgin all your life!” or so I had been told. Going through life without ever having sex was unnatural, so I believed. It wasn’t normal and it wasn’t right.

I continued to scroll down through the various messages in the guest book where people spoke about how committing to lifelong Virginity brought them a greater sense of purpose, made them feel closer to God, brought them eternal happiness, and so on. “These people are a bunch of flakes!” I thought. “I search for other Virgins and this is what I find??? This website is nutty and I won’t waste anymore of my time with it!” I exited out and shut down the computer.

 Continued…

How I came to be a Perpetual Virgin menu

How I came to be a Perpetual Virgin. part 5

I entered a three-year period of self-pity and self loathing over my virginity, and I experienced a growing sense of panic the closer I came to my 30th birthday. Losing my virginity seemed easy enough. I knew that all I had to do was put on some skimpy outfit, walk down to the nearest bar, and pick up any guy that was interested. No relationship would be necessary because I was in a hurry. A one-night stand would do just fine. All I wanted was to have sex, fast, before I was 30, so I could join the human race. The problem with this plan is that it never even made it out of the thought stage. My mind tried hard to sell it, but my heart wouldn’t buy it. I don’t know how other women do it — but there was no way I could have ever gone through with it.

Inevitably, my 30th birthday came. I went around in a haze for much of that year not knowing quite what to make of things. But after I realized that the sky had not fallen in, the sun still rose everyday, and the seasons still changed… I gradually began to come back to my senses. I was a 30-year-old virgin. I would just have to accept it. I would also have to accept that I was different. I was not like other women, and I was not what society defined as a “woman.” Society defined womanhood as something you would see in a commercial for Victoria Secret. Being a woman, society said, meant being sexy and free with your body. It meant having sex with numerous men — and the more sexually experienced a woman was the more womanly, mature, and strong she was supposed to be. And it’s not just the media that communicates this message. In the everyday world of women you are expected to be sexy to get a man and to get all the sex you can out of him… and if you play your cards right in bed, you can get money, a wedding ring, or both. If you are not doing this you are not a real woman. This, in so many words, is what mothers tell their daughters, it’s what girlfriends tell their girlfriends, it’s what just about any woman will tell another woman.

Knowing that I could not meet these expectations and that people would not look upon me as a “real woman” really hurt. It made me feel small, inadequate, and inferior. On the other hand, accepting who I was very liberating. I finally felt at peace because it was such a relief to let go of those expectations, and there was no longer that pressure to try to live up to something that I could never live up to. I no longer had to try to be something that I was not, could never be, and really didn’t want to be.

I realized that during that period of anxiety about turning 30 and still being a Virgin, I had been at a crossroads. Everyone comes to a crossroads in life where they must choose the path they want to follow and the type of person they want to be. My choice had been between staying a Virgin or becoming promiscuous. I had chosen to stay a Virgin. Yet deep down I still felt that it was time to move on… but to what? I knew that promiscuity was not an option, but I also knew that I couldn’t go back to being a “virgin-in-waiting”. I had mentally and emotionally outgrown the “true-love-waits” scene and the whole idea of pre-marital abstinence. But, even though I was no longer waiting for my prince to come — I would continue to wander aimlessly down the road of abstinence until marriage, for whatever it was worth at that point, because it seemed to be the only viable option for remaining a Virgin.

Continued…

How I came to be a Perpetual Virgin menu

How I came to be a Perpetual Virgin. Part 4

I left elementary school looking forward to having a normal high school experience. So I was very upset when I ended up at an all-girl Catholic High School. I had wanted to go to a Catholic co-ed high school across town, but my parents wouldn’t have it because they said that it was too far and not as good. Obviously, I had wanted to go to the other school because it had boys. I was not fast like some girls who could pick up boys on the street after school and on weekends. I knew that if I did not come into contact with boys in my day-to-day environment, it was likely that I would not date. I was right. I didn’t even go to prom mainly because I did not have a date. So aside from continued bullying, my high school years were uneventful.

By the time I got around to dating in college I discovered that it wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. The “relationships” I had never came to much. Guys just couldn’t accept that I would not have sex with them, and before long… they would dump me, or I would dump them.

When I entered the working world at 25, I started to question my beliefs about the Bible and Christianity. So many things that I had been taught no longer made sense to me… but then, but I suppose they never really did. I had never belonged to a church. My mother had been open-minded in allowing me to make up my own mind about religion and never imposed any beliefs on me as a child. But I considered myself a Christian because I had been raised in a Christian culture and it was all I knew. I tried to renew my faith. One day, I decided that I would read the Bible from cover to cover to get a better understanding of its teachings. But I had barely started reading Genesis before I put it down even more confused than when I started. And so, I decided that I would no longer be a Christian. I did not see the point of going along with something that I could not fully accept just because other people said it was right. The way I saw it, I was doing Christianity a favor by staying out of it. There were already too many people who call themselves Christians that don’t believe in or practice anything that the Bible says, not to mention those that make up their own version of what is clearly written in the scriptures. People like that, in my view, did nothing but bring the church down. As for me, I would rather be an honest non-believer than a bogus “saint.” At least I had the integrity to admit that I was a non-believer and move on to a religion that I could fully embrace as there are Many paths to God.

I may have left Christianity but I still maintained a strong belief in God, and my search for another belief system led me to the New Age Movement. I started reading books on New Age philosophy and the ancient spiritual traditions of my African ancestors. I didn’t agree with everything the New Age Movement advocated either, but unlike Christianity that said “IT’S THIS WAY OR THE HIGHWAY” — New Age spirituality was flexible.

A couple of years later, I began to have doubts about my virginity. Now that I was older I began to question the logic of this vow that I had made so many years ago. I had made the vow to remain a Virgin when I was a Christian, and now that I was no longer a Christian what was the point of keeping it? Everything that I had ever seen about Virginity or Chastity had described it as “a religious thing,” and more specially, “a Christian thing.” Keeping your virginity was portrayed as something that was only for Christians — not people like me. If I was no longer a Christian, I thought, shouldn’t I be having sex? There was nothing to keep me from it now. The vow I had made was a Christian vow that no longer applied.

Besides, I was getting too old for this abstinence stuff, I thought. People who promote abstinence tell you to “wait” for this fairy tale to happen about some prince who is supposed to be your “true love” coming along and making you his bride before you can have sex. It’s easy to believe in when you are in your teens and early twenties and marriage seems just over the horizon, right after college. But as you grow older and there is no prospect of marriage in sight, the abstinence fairy tale only seems to become more and more of a joke with each passing year. I mean, there I was 27 years old and still as pure as the day I was born. I wondered if I was normal. Society said that I should have lost my virginity ages ago, and that if I didn’t lose it before 30, I would certainly be abnormal. I decided that sitting around waiting on a prince that wasn’t coming because of a Christian vow that was no longer relevant was foolish and that it was time to move on. I decided it was time I lost my virginity.

How I came to be a Perpetual Virgin menu

Confessions of an ex-Gleek

It was bound to happen and it finally did. Last night on Glee, Rachel, the show’s most prominent Virgin character, lost her Virginity.

In this episode, Rachel was cast to play the starring role of Maria in the school production of West Side Story. During rehearsal Artie, who was put in charge of directing the show, criticized Rachel for supposedly “not having enough passion” to accurately play the part of Maria. West Side Story was a play about “sexual awakening”, he said, and he made a speech about his own “sexual awakening” and how he “felt like a man” when he lost his Virginity. Assuming that everyone had sex, Artie asked Rachael what it was like for her when she lost her Virginity. When Rachael said she hadn’t, Artie bashed her asking how could she expect to play the role of a sexually awakened woman when she hadn’t done the deed herself. (Since when did Artie become a n expert on sex? He only got laid once!)  At that point, Rachael, who always strives for perfection, decides to have sex with her on-again-off-again boyfriend, Finn, in order to improve her acting. After some drama surrounding her first botched attempt to get in Finn’s pants when she admits to him that wants to screw him mainly to improve her acting… Rachael ends up having sex with Finn by the end of the show having assured him that she really does “love” him.

I am just sooo done with this show. I used to like it, but I’ve really gotten  tired of it. I was ready to bail after last week’s show, but when I saw that this week’s episode was going to have Virgin subject matter, I hung around figuring it would make a good topic for my blog. But now I can officially say that last night’s episode will be my last.

So why has Glee lost its groove for me? In short, I’m tired of being offended. I’m especially tired of the hypocrisy of a show that claims to be about tolerance but is only tolerant of those who are in the pop culture clique. I’m tired of being told that, as a Virgin, there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. I am tired of watching Virgins being pushed into lockers, insulted, humiliated and misrepresented as if it’s OK.

I knew before this week’s episode even aired that Rachael would probably lose her Virginity. She nearly lost it in the “Like a Virgin” episode when Finn lost his and I though it was unlikely that they would miss the mark a second time. There’s just no way that they would allow the main character in one of TV’s most popular shows to remain a Virgin. As for Glee’s other Virgin characters, their days are numbered too. Emma Pillsbury is already living with Mr. Schuster. And after anti-chaste Artie made an issue of Coach Biest’s Virginity last night, he went out of his way to hook her up. It’s only a matter of time before the other shoe drops but I won’t be there to see it.

Want to get laid? Lower your standards.

“If you gave your man/woman a 24 hour break from your relationship,” a radio host said on a station I was listing to, “and told them that they could do anything they wanted sexually with someone else, would your man/woman have enough game to get laid in that time?”

I rolled my eyes.

These pop music stations can have some pretty dumb topics on their shows. Most of them are about sex: popular culture’s never-ending obsession. This particular segment which asked “does your man/woman have enough ‘game’ to get laid in 24 hours” got me thinking though. Popular culture likes to portray Virgins, especially adult Virgins, as people who don’t have “game” (game being slang for the ability to seduce somebody). Popular culture says that the only reason someone over 18 would be a Virgin is because they’re too ugly or geeky to get laid. Nonsense!

There is no such thing as the inability to get laid for someone whose standards are low enough!

Adults who are Virgins are Virgins because they want to be, whether they realize it or not. People who are inclined to be sexually active but have not yet done so are holding out because they want their first sexual experience to be special. They want their wedding night to mean something — or they at least want to find someone they love, and who loves them in return, to lose their virginity to. They are not looking for cheap thrills.

The stereotypes about who gets laid and who doesn’t simply don’t hold up. Despite being portrayed as undesirable losers, many Virgins are very attractive, highly successful, and extremely hip. Nick Jonas is a Virgin, and with thousands of screaming girls chasing after him, no one can say that he lacks “game”! He just chooses to abstain. And despite being portrayed as the “in-crowd” there are non-virgins that are so bad-looking, gross, and obnoxious that you wonder how they ever got over.

If a Virgin woman really wanted to have sex all she would have to do is dress like a street-walker, walk down to the nearest bar, and pick up any scumbag in the room. And a Virgin guy that wants to lose his Virginity simply has to find a street-walker. Some will go with you for as little as a pack of cigarettes.

Anyone can get laid. Anyone at all. If they are willing to lower their standards and lower them far enough.

  • Author: Miss Daphne

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