Confessions of an ex-Gleek

It was bound to happen and it finally did. Last night on Glee, Rachel, the show’s most prominent Virgin character, lost her Virginity.

In this episode, Rachel was cast to play the starring role of Maria in the school production of West Side Story. During rehearsal Artie, who was put in charge of directing the show, criticized Rachel for supposedly “not having enough passion” to accurately play the part of Maria. West Side Story was a play about “sexual awakening”, he said, and he made a speech about his own “sexual awakening” and how he “felt like a man” when he lost his Virginity. Assuming that everyone had sex, Artie asked Rachael what it was like for her when she lost her Virginity. When Rachael said she hadn’t, Artie bashed her asking how could she expect to play the role of a sexually awakened woman when she hadn’t done the deed herself. (Since when did Artie become a n expert on sex? He only got laid once!)  At that point, Rachael, who always strives for perfection, decides to have sex with her on-again-off-again boyfriend, Finn, in order to improve her acting. After some drama surrounding her first botched attempt to get in Finn’s pants when she admits to him that wants to screw him mainly to improve her acting… Rachael ends up having sex with Finn by the end of the show having assured him that she really does “love” him.

I am just sooo done with this show. I used to like it, but I’ve really gotten  tired of it. I was ready to bail after last week’s show, but when I saw that this week’s episode was going to have Virgin subject matter, I hung around figuring it would make a good topic for my blog. But now I can officially say that last night’s episode will be my last.

So why has Glee lost its groove for me? In short, I’m tired of being offended. I’m especially tired of the hypocrisy of a show that claims to be about tolerance but is only tolerant of those who are in the pop culture clique. I’m tired of being told that, as a Virgin, there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. I am tired of watching Virgins being pushed into lockers, insulted, humiliated and misrepresented as if it’s OK.

I knew before this week’s episode even aired that Rachael would probably lose her Virginity. She nearly lost it in the “Like a Virgin” episode when Finn lost his and I though it was unlikely that they would miss the mark a second time. There’s just no way that they would allow the main character in one of TV’s most popular shows to remain a Virgin. As for Glee’s other Virgin characters, their days are numbered too. Emma Pillsbury is already living with Mr. Schuster. And after anti-chaste Artie made an issue of Coach Biest’s Virginity last night, he went out of his way to hook her up. It’s only a matter of time before the other shoe drops but I won’t be there to see it.

Virgins must be more vigilant in defending their rights.

“I respect your opinion, but with all due respect I have to disagree with you,” I told Bob.

Bob, who I met in an online Virginity group, had said that the solution to the problem of anti-Virgin bigotry and bullying and that was “simple” i.e. Virgins should stay in the closet.  

“If anything,” Bob said, “it allows us the breathing space to stay Virgin without anybody knowing” and giving us a hard time about it.

 Honestly, I was not going to post what I said to Bob next because when I read it back it sounds so overwrought it’s a little embarrassing. It’s just that I have some very strong feelings about this and when I get on my soapbox I tend to really rant. Was what I said over the top? You be the judge.

“I think that lying about being a Virgin does show, maybe subconsciously, that you are ashamed of it. Here’s my perspective… I don’t go around publicizing my Virginity in my offline life because at the end of the day what difference does it make? My sexual identity has nothing to do with my ability to perform a job, or with being a good friend, or a loving family member. But there is a difference between not publicizing who you are and lying about it. I don’t go around with “VIRGIN” tattooed on my forehead, but if someone asks me if I am a Virgin (which the people at that job I talked about did) I certainly won’t deny it.

I consider myself to be a strong person. I have never been particularly concerned with what other people thought, and I think that people who let other people’s actions and opinions influence how they live their lives are making a big mistake. I think that the boy who killed himself was misguided and the one that raped his sister was nuts to begin with. I only told these stories to point out how intense the hatred out there is and to say that sexually abstinent people must be more vigilant in defending their rights. Our politically correct society bends over backwards to show tolerance for every other sexual group, what makes us a special case? Are we any less human than other groups of people? Are we not entitled to the same rights and considerations as they?

You may choose the path of least resistance, but for me lying is not the way to go. I choose to fight. The reason I walked away from that job where I was experiencing the sexual harassment was because the job sucked, the pay was lousy, and it wasn’t worth the trouble of a lawsuit. But I will fight anyone that tries to bully me into conforming because I love who I am and I see no reason to deny it. So I’m not going to pretend to be someone else and I’m not going to go somewhere and hide. People can say and do whatever they want — I can take it and I will fight back.”

OK… Maybe that was a little bombastic, but I meant every word of it. No problem was ever solved by running away from it. And if we truly want the bullying to stop WE — not just me — but WE as Virgins and as a community must stand up to the bullies. I have taken the first step by opening the conversation. What step will you take? Will you fight too, or will you be like Bob?

“I’m just into being peaceful and clever,” he replied. “There are enough wars out there, and my method doesn’t stop me from comfortably being who I am. That way, if I give them enough rope, they hang themselves.”

That is… if they don’t hang you first.

The solution to anti-Virgin bigotry and bullying is not so “simple.”

“I believe the solution to this problem is simple,” said Bob in response to my “I think people who abstain from sex should say NO to bullying” post.

I linked Bob to my post after meeting him in an online Virginity group in a discussion about anti-virgin intolerance. I disagreed the following message he sent me saying that the way to deal with anti-Virgin intolerance and bullying is basically for Virgins to lock themselves in the chastity closet and throw away the key.

“If we are willing to lie [about being Virgins] or hold our silence,” he said,“we can save ourselves a lot of heartache. Lying doesn’t necessarily equate being ashamed of Virginity. If anything, it allows us the breathing space to stay Virgin without anybody knowing it. If some official organization feels the need to ask me intimate questions, and I find that they have no legitimate reason why they are asking (which is always the case), then I’m going to lie rather than divulge such sensitive info. I’ve done it, and sure enough, it works. Nobody is able to come at me for that subject matter, because I claim to be just like them. Now, people still look at me cross-eyed, they still don’t know what to make of me, because I don’t give them a clue. What matters is, they don’t pressure me to change who I am. Maybe if you are in another high paying position, using lying to protect yourself, can give you that much needed breathing space from the malcontents, and you can keep what is important… your job. If people at your next job come onto you, you can always use the broken heart excuse, and say you’re not ready, as of yet, for a new relationship. And if the same people keep at you, you can ask them if they are stalking you, so they can be guilt-ridden into backing off of you, etc. I just think that this is a peaceful, clever way for us to keep our dignity, our choice, and peace and privacy. Camouflage works. These enemies can’t fight what they can’t see, and I don’t want any more of these tragic stories [of rape and suicide] to happen anymore. Yes, this is one of those times when a parent should teach a kid to lie. It’s better than the alternative, in today’s society. I don’t want any more parents having to live with not having protected their kids for their abstinence choice.”

Perhaps you are one of those that would agree with Bob. A lot of Virgins do go this route and it’s understandable. There’s a lot of ignorance and hatred out there. But overall, I have to disagree with Bob’s “simple” solution that hiding in the Chastity closet is the way to combat bigotry. Yes, it may give you some “breathing space” in that the Virgin bashers won’t hassle you if they don’t know you’re there, but denying who you really are not only prevents you from realizing your full potential as a human being, it prevents you from having fulfilling relationships with sexually compatible partners. Most importantly, it does nothing to solve the real problem of social intolerance and inequality.

Next time, I’ll post what I told Bob in reply.

Virgin bashers are envious, resentful, and insecure.

The fore mentioned person in my last post who I’ll refer to as “Bob” finally viewed my “I think people who abstain from sex should say NO to bullying” article. However, I totally disagreed with the response he wrote to it.

I had disagreed with Bob’s views that Virgins should “use a lying spirit” and do everything they can to hide the fact that they are Virgins. I relish my Virginity and I don’t understand why anyone who is a Virgin wouldn’t feel anything but proud and fortunate. There’s nothing more pathetic than being ashamed of who and what you are. And no matter what they say, anyone who would deny their Virginity is ashamed of it in my book. The Bobs of the world may argue that lying about being a Virgin will protect you from those that won’t like you for it. But 42 years of experience has taught me that people who don’t like you for being a virgin are either envious, resentful, or insecure. They want nothing better than to make you feel bad about yourself. And if they can shame you into hiding deep in the Chastity closet, where you are not a threat to them — they win. Why give them that power? Why allow people who secretly don’t think they are as good as you feel as though you are the loser?

Later I’ll post the comment that Bob wrote to my article and give you my response to it.

People who abstain from sex should say “NO” to bullying. (continued)

In my last post I wrote about a group that I started on a social networking site dedicated to getting the word out about anti-virgin bullying. I also wrote that I would let you know what happened with this group in the days to come. Well, for a long while nothing happened. The “group” had been in place for over a month and until recently, I was its lone member. I couldn’t believe that I was the only one who saw bullying, sexual harassment, and discrimination against sexually abstinent people as a problem, and I knew that there were many other people out there who had experienced it and where upset by it. Clearly, the “if-you-build-it-they-will-come” approach wasn’t working so I decided to take my message directly to the people.

There were a number of other groups on this site devoted to Virginity and Celibacy so I decided that I would publicize my anti-bullying message there and provide links back to my group. The first group I went to was a popular Virginity group where I immediately noticed a post that said, “Is anybody following the Tim Tebow story?American football player for the Denver Broncos is facing a special kind of discrimination because he is a Christian Virgin.” I posted back to the author of the thread saying this was the first time I had heard of it, and that I had just started a group devoted to addressing issues of bullying and discrimination against Virgins. I told him that anti-virgin sentiment in our society was getting so bad that a kid had committed suicide because he was being teased for being a Virgin. (I was referring to the Michael Berry story that I wrote about in my last post.)

“I believe what you are saying,” he replied, “the football team is lying about Tebow, and saying he can’t play, in an attempt to destroy his career before it gets started…. Did you know that the Bible has advice for virgins, and it’s actually telling people to lie, in order to protect themselves? Yes, the Bible actually says ‘use a lying spirit’, and to not ‘share your pearls’, with those who would hurt you. In other words, don’t admit you’re a virgin, is actually Biblical advice.” he said

He offered to show me the verses and said that “the language is actually harsher for people who want to hurt virgins. So, virgins who feel the need to protect themselves don’t have to feel guilty about whatever measures they take.”

He asked me to provide a link to my group so he could check out what I had written, and I said that I would look into the Tim Tebow story. But all I could think about was him telling me that as Virgins we should lie about who we are for the sake of not appearing to be different from everyone else just because of the hateful and intolerant attitudes of some people. I am no Biblical scholar, but I had never heard of any scripture in the Bible that encouraged people to lie. Even if there was I it wouldn’t matter to me because — #1. I am not a Christian, and #2. I am proud of my Virginity and I don’t think that I should have to hide it. 

I posted links to my group and to the story I wrote and said that I would investigate Tim Tebow. I needed a real life example of anti-virgin discrimination other than the fictional “School Daze” example I wrote of in my “People who abstain from sex should say “NO” to bullying” story, and if Tim Tebow is truly being discriminated against because he is a Virgin, I will have heard just about everything.

People who abstain from sex should say “NO” to bullying.

Hello again!

If you are a repeat visitor or have seen my last post, you know that it has been awhile since I last posted. I don’t want you to think that I’m a lazy blogger, it’s just that I’ve been going through some things. The thing awoke my from blogger hibernation is a recent experience with a social networking site. No, I’m not on Facebook… yet. (That’s coming.) I’m with a social network that many of you have probably never heard of called “The Experience Project.” It’s a site where you can start groups based on special interests and write about your experiences and opinions on things and other people respond. Anyway, I started a group called “I think people who abstain from sex should say NO to bullying.” And I posted an “experience” or article called, “Wake up, people!” I’ll comment on what happened in the days ahead, but first read the story. I’ve reprinted it here for your convenience. Here it is…

Look at this!!!

This happened four months ago, but did any of you hear about it? I didn’t. A 13-year-old boy rapes his 7-year-old sister because he was being mercilessly bullied and tormented for being a Virgin. If this kid had been bullied for being gay it would have been all over the news and there would have been public outrage. But since he was only a Virgin, the whole thing was pretty much dismissed and laughed off just like that guy in the video did. “Awwww, come on!” he said.

I am a virgin myself and I say to other Virgins — and to Celibates too for that matter — that if you think that people who abstain from sex are hated, undervalued, and treated as less than human in this society — you are not imagining things — you are absolutely right! When I first heard about this story it made me angry. When I saw this video I wanted to cry. But this tale of anti-chaste bullying and hate is not an isolated incident. The world is full of stories of people who are bullied, harassed, and discriminated against for being Virgins or Celibate. Most go unreported as they are not considered newsworthy. Others you would have to look hard for in order to find. Like the story of Michael Berry who was bullied so relentlessly by his school peers for being a Virgin that on the morning of his seventeenth birthday he brought a gun to school and shot himself. They found his body lying on the floor of the school bathroom along with four suicide notes describing why he did it and the fact that he had nowhere to go for help or support. (view his story here)

And if you think that this sort of bullying is only a problem for Virgin males, you’re wrong. I have heard stories of Virgin girls that were beaten up by gangs of other girls just for being Virgins. In another story a 17-year-old girl wanted to drop out of school because she was being hit and called names by the other kids because she was a Virgin. Then the boy she went to prom with started a rumor that he had sex with her things got worse. The other boys wanted her to “put out” for them too. Of course, she refused and then she stared being sexually harassed in addition to being bullied.

Sexual harassment is also a huge issue for sexually abstinent people. I read one story about a guy who was forced to quit a high paying job because he was being sexually harassed by female co-workers who taunted him about his Virginity and subjected him to sexually explicit harassment. He is now attempting to sue for damages for sexual harassment, sexual discrimination, and victimization.

This story hit home for me because I myself had to quit a job after co-workers found out that I was a Virgin and the sexual harassment became ridiculous. Sexually abstinent people also face discrimination. I haven’t been able to find any articles on it but in Spike Lee movie “School Daze” there was a fraternity that openly refused to admit Virgins. And since art imitates life such a situation had to exist somewhere.

The reason I’m saying all this is to get people to wake up. Anti-chaste bullying, sexual harassment, and discrimination has to stop. And the first step to doing that is by telling our stories and breaking the silence and apathy that surrounds this issue. What we really need is an organization to fight for the rights of Virgin and Celibate people just like the gays and every other group has. In the meantime, It’s my hope that this group will provide help and support for anyone dealing with these issues. A support group like this is what poor Michael Berry did not have. Perhaps he would still be alive had there been one.

  • Author: Miss Daphne

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