How Virgins seeking Virgins online can avoid being catfished.

OK. So, hopefully you’ve read the last post and you know all about my embarrassing experience of being catfished by a horny guy posing online as a Virgin using a Virginity website that he created as a come-on. But…

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…”

Well, that hasn’t happened yet. And I don’t ever intend for it to happen. Oh, I’ve encountered other catfish posing as Virgins since I got scammed the first time, but I’ve learned a lot since then, and I’ve successfully dodged bullets ever since. So Virgins, if you don’t want to end up as catfish bait for some creepy Virgin hunter, here’s some things you must always remember before trusting anyone you meet online who claims to be a Virgin — especially if they may have romantic interest in you.

1. Never take anything at face value.

Never take anything at face value.

As I’ve said, there have always been attention seekers and cheats who have lied about being Virgins, and just because someone says they’re a Virgin it doesn’t mean that they are. Never take anything at face value — especially on the internet. Always, always ask questions. And learn to ask the right questions. NEVER ask someone, “Are you a Virgin?” People interpret “Virgin” to mean all kinds of things and they can always say “yes” based on something that’s total nonsense. Instead you should ask, “What is the most sexual thing that you have ever done?” Of course, the right answer to this question is (and they should say this without hesitation), that they haven’t engaged in any form of sexual activity at all. But many catfish will readily admit that they’ve engaged in oral intercourse, manual intercourse, or anal intercourse because they foolishly think that these things are acceptable in the Virgin community. I have stopped dozens of catfish dead in their tracks this way. It’s one of the first things I ask any would-be Virgin I meet, and if they give the wrong answer — they’re history. The “What is the most sexual thing you’ve ever done?” question is one of the most important weapons in your arsenal to quickly flush out a potential fake. It’s a simple direct approach that you can use online or offline that will keep you from wasting time with posers who aren’t worth your time.

2. People can’t give what they don’t have.

What if the person you’re talking to says that they are as pure as the falling snow when you ask about their sexual background? Silently congratulate them for having the sense to know what “Virgin” means but still don’t trust them. A clever catfish may be able to bypass the first hurdle by telling a simple lie but this next hurdle is almost sure to trip them up. Remember how I told you in the last post about Bill not having anything to say about his experiences as a Virgin? I know now that it was because he had no experiences to talk about! Sure, everybody was a Virgin once, including Bill. But the common person who either lost their Virginity at an early age or sleepwalked through it can’t talk about it like someone who has really experienced it can. Real Virgins are so starved for an emphatic ear that when they finally do meet another Virgin, everything that they’ve been holding in about the experience of being a Virgin in a society where they are an oppressed minority pours out. Their lives, their thoughts, their feelings, their shared ideas and experiences dominate the conversation. But if the person you’re talking to is strangely quiet on these matters… if they are evasive when you ask them to tell you about themselves and their Virgin experiences — meaning that they are not straightforward with you and they try to avoid the issue, change the subject, or beat around the bush — they’re fake. This isn’t something that you should have to pull out of them if they were on the same wavelength as you. Some catfish will try to fake it by telling you something very general or stereotypical. One guy tried to act like he was in the know by telling me that people called him “gay” because he allegedly never had sex —  but lots of people are called “gay” for all kinds of reasons, this is not unique to Virgins and it proves nothing. You’re looking for experiences that are uniquely Virgin — and the more specifics some one gives you, the more likely they are to be for real. Being a Virgin yourself, you’ll know if what they’re saying rings true.

Some things can’t be faked. Experience is one, innocence is another. Innocence is more than just a word. It’s a state of being that shows in your attitude and outlook on life. Innocence is vibrant, energetic, and passionate, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. If the person you’re talking to is stoic, blasé, or apathetic — if they’re standoffish and can’t seem to relate to your intensity — it’s a sure sign that they’re jaded. They’ve been around, they’ve lost it, and they’re fake. People can’t give what they don’t have. And you can’t get purity of experience or the qualities of innocence from someone who simply doesn’t have it to give.

3. Trust your instincts.

Undoubtedly, the biggest mistake I made when I was catfished was that I didn’t trust my instincts. I wanted to believe in this guy so badly that I ignored multiple red flags and dismissed that little voice that told me something was wrong. Always trust your instincts and go with your gut. Even if the person you’re talking to says all the right things and seems to be passionate and sincere — if your gut tells you something’s not right — trust your gut. Even if you happen to be wrong, at least you won’t end up like Manti Te’o. ♦

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Virgins seeking Virgins online should beware of catfish.

When I first came to live with the fact that I was a Virgin adult and would remain so indefinitely, I went online to find others like me. Anyone in any given situation naturally wants to reach out to others in the same situation for guidance and support. I found a website that advertised having a support group for Virgins. This website and support group was run by a self-styled prophet who preached that Virginity was “the way of God” and that people should (this is an exact quote from the website) “eliminate the desire for sex and break free from the cycle of death and rebirth and find eternal youth and longevity.”

Anyhow…. this was the only Virgin support group that I could find, and this seemed to be the only website that had anything hopeful to say about adult Virginity.

It was a closed group, so I sent a request to join. Later, I received an email from the support group leader, webmaster, and self-professed Perpetual Virgin who I’ll call “Bill.” Bill and I ended up exchanging emails for a couple of weeks. I began to suspect that something was off because in all that time I had spoken only to him. This was supposed to be a support group. Where was the group? Whenever I asked Bill about the group or meeting other members, he changed the subject. I guessed that maybe Bill was the gatekeeper whose job it was to scrutinize every prospective new member to see if they were the right fit before admitting them. But I seriously began to wonder if there was a group at all, or if Bill made it up to lure Virgin women into a potential relationship with him. During the course of our chats he seemed to become possessive and got belligerent when I talked about the possibility of becoming sexually involved with another guy.  But after such a long time of feeling like I was the only Virgin on earth — I was so glad to had finally found someone else like me (or so I thought), I pushed aside any doubts that I had.

I began to open up to Bill and express things that I couldn’t express to anyone else in my life because they were not on my level. I trusted Bill and allowed myself to feel that I had this very deep connection with him because we were “the same”. Bill, on the other hand, was distant and stony. He strangely had nothing to say about himself or his life. I began to wonder why it was that I was doing all the talking. Several times I stopped and asked Bill to tell me something about his Virgin experiences, and each time he evaded the question.

Inevitably, the subject of sex came up. You can’t talk about abstinence without talking about sex since one cannot exist in this world without the other. It was then that Bill told me that he was, in his words, “NOT 100% pure” and that he had engaged in manual intercourse where he had allowed a “girl” to give him a handjob. My spirit crashed. Bill was not a Virgin! Worse yet, he wasn’t even Chaste and obviously didn’t believe in Chastity since he also informed me that if a woman wanted to give him oral sex he “wouldn’t deny her that.”

So, all that time I had been bearing my soul to someone who had been deceiving me all along. To think that this fool had gone to the extreme of building a website where he preached from atop Mount Olympus that everyone should follow his example and remain as pure as falling snow if they wanted to know God! This guy had a significant number of followers. So he not only catfished me, he lied to and mislead thousands of people who subscribed to his website.  The fact that he finally told me the truth (at least, as much of it as he was willing to tell — he’d probably done a lot more than just have one woman jerk him off once) didn’t make it any easier to swallow.  As for the “Virgin support group” that he was supposed to be the leader of, it turned out that it was real; he introduced me to it shortly afterward. But it was quickly clear to me that its members were all a bunch of fakes just like him, so I left. By the way, this website and support group no longer exists.

The moral of this story is… just because someone says they’re a Virgin , it doesn’t mean that they are. There have always been people who have falsely claimed a Virgin identity to get attention, to please traditionalist parents, or to make themselves look more desirable to a potential spouse/lover. Although it’s never acceptable to lie to or deceive anyone, real Virgins who live very isolated lives surrounded by people who are not their peers are particularly vulnerable to those who would take advantage their loneliness and desperation. This has never been more truer it is in this current age of social networking. There’s a name for it: “Catfishing!”

Catfishing is the phenomenon where Internet scammers create fake online profiles, identities, and entire social circles to lure people into deceptive online romances.

Catfishing is the phenomenon where Internet scammers create fake online profiles, identities, and entire social circles to lure people into deceptive online romances. The Manti Ta’o fake girlfriend hoax which received a tsunami of media coverage last February brought the threat of Catfishing into public awareness. My experience was not as bad as Manti Ta’o’s, but it was traumatic enough to make me change the way that I interact with everyone I meet online who claims to be a Virgin. What happened to me was a learning experience. Who knows, maybe it was meant to happen just so I could share what I’ve learned from it with you through this blog. In my next post, I will be giving tips and advice on how you out there in the Virgin community may avoid being baited by catfish that are lurking on websites and social media pages about Virginity.

You could be a Perpetual Virgin if…

There has been so much mythology surrounding Perpetual Virgins that most people think they aren’t real.

When you hear the term “Perpetual Virgin” the first image that comes to mind is probably of The Virgin Mary. Or, perhaps you may think of Catholic saints, Vestal Virgins, or ancient goddesses. There has been so much mythology surrounding Perpetual Virgins that most people think they aren’t real. I used to be one of those people as I commented in my biography How I came to be a Perpetual Virgin. But a Perpetual Virgin is really just an average person with a not so average life.

First and foremost, a Perpetual Virgin is a Virgin that is naturally oriented toward living an unmarried, sexually inactive life — and makes a conscious decision to do so. But there are other things that define a Perpetual Virgin too, and I have comprised a list of them.

You might be a Perpetual Virgin if…

  • You believe that staying a Virgin is the way of life that is best for your personal happiness and well-being, and is good for fulfilling your goals in life.
  • You believe sexual purity beings you closer to God or spiritual perfection.
  • You would never even consider doing anything sexually that would even remotely damage or compromise your sexual purity.
  • You believe staying a Virgin makes you better suited for some kinds of religious service, or is the best lifestyle for following the spiritual path of your choice.
  • Your spirit is blissfully happy most of the time.
  • Your spirit is very vigorous and energetic most of the time.
  • You find the thought of marriage depressing.
  • You don’t believe in abusing alcohol, doing drugs, smoking, swearing, or anything that is not pure in nature.
  • You don’t particularly want, need, or crave the orgasmic aspect of sexuality, though you have a normal sex drive and there is nothing physically wrong with you.
  • You have a strong desire for sexual intimacy, but don’t want sex itself in any form.
  • You prefer to dress modestly, not showing too much skin, because you don’t want to attract unchaste sexual attention.
  • You don’t appreciate it when someone comes on to you in a sexually unchaste way.
  • You just don’t see what all the fuss over sex is about. It seems like a big deal over nothing. You get bored or disgusted watching sex scenes in movies.
  • You believe your virginity, your body, and your sexuality belongs to you and no one else — and you question the concept of “saving” them for someone.
  • You are not entirely comfortable with traditional gender roles and don’t want the burden of being bound by them that the loss of Virginity, or a conventional relationship would bring.
  • Your virginity means so much to you that you are willing to endure criticism, loneliness, persecution, ridicule or whatever it takes to keep it.
  • Your Virginity means a lot to you and you would regret it for the rest of your life if you traded it in for a relationship that didn’t work.
  • You don’t feel you need to get married to obtain happiness, fulfillment, or worth.
  • You personally view all sex, consensual or not, as a kind of rape.
  • You believe that marriage is slavery for the woman and prison for the man.
  • You don’t feel you need to have sex to prove that you are an adult or a “real” woman/man.
  • You believe that unmarried chastity better enables you to pursue your dreams and do a lot of good in the world because you are not confined by having to care for a spouse and children.
  • Sex does not represent a temptation for you.
  • You believe that a God/destiny guides your life and that you have been allowed to remain a Virgin into adulthood for a purpose.
  • You love being a virgin and can’t imagine life any other way.

If you are a Virgin and you recognized yourself in many of these statements, if you feel something stirring inside you, if overall this sounds rational or makes sense — then you might be oriented or “called” to the life of a Perpetual Virgin. You can explore it and see where it leads or you can ignore it and live a normal life. Either way… Perpetual Virginity is real.

How I became a Perpetual Virgin. Part 7

(Note: This is the last chapter in a series of posts that began in November 2011. Click here to read the previous chapters.)

Like everyone else I was raised on the notion that one day I would marry and have kids. I always assumed that sex, like death, was an inevitable conclusion. To never even try it would be against nature. So my knee-jerk reaction to this website that advocated that people should remain Virgins all their lives as a way to achieve “eternal youth, longevity, and a closer connection with God” was to run from it. “These people are nuts,” I thought as I shut down my computer. “The webmaster and everyone who posted comments agreeing with his crazy ideas saying that they were Virgins for life too were completely nuts.”

Yet no matter how much I tried to dismiss this site and its message, I kept coming back. And what kept me coming back were the people, adult Virgins like me, who posted there. Their experiences were so similar to mine — and for once I felt like I had a connection to someone. It was so reassuring it was to hear that I was not the only person going through what I was going through as an adult Virgin. And back in 2001 this was the only website that took Virginity seriously and affirmed it as something positive and acceptable for adults. I figured, why throw out the baby with the bath water? Yes, the site was a little off the wall to preach that people should purposely stay Virgins all their lives, but I decided to ignore that part. Instead, I’d just focus on the off-topic comments that people posted about saving yourself for marriage.

But something inside me started to change. The more I thought about my Virginity the more I realized how much it actually meant to me. Whenever I thought about having to give it up (even in the context of marriage) I would become extremely depressed. I realized how much my virginity truly enriched my life. It gave me freedom, clarity, and an optimism that other people didn’t have. I also realized that the feelings I had when I was going through that phase of wanting to lose my Virginity to the first guy that came along were coming more out of a desire to fit in and be normal than a genuine desire for sex. Furthermore, I realized that whatever feelings that I had about getting married and starting a family I had because I had been conditioned to think that it was inevitable and what I should want. It had nothing to do with what I subconsciously wanted for myself. But now I knew without a doubt that what I truly wanted was to remain a Virgin, always. And for the first time I realized that I could pursue another path other than the one society held up. I decided to take the road less traveled. I would choose to remain a Virgin for life. I would become a Perpetual Virgin.

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So that’s how I came to be a Perpetual Virgin. And though I am ending my story here, my life being the person that I truly am was only beginning. Over the next 12 years I would continue to grow spiritually and mentally to embrace this path that God’s grace has permitted me to follow. And if there’s one thing I want all the reluctant virgins and virgin-in-waiting to take away from my story it’s that any Virgin can be a Perpetual Virgin. I was once just like you.

How I came to be a Perpetual Virgin menu

Please pardon my dust — response to “under construction” comment

I recently received a comment from a follower of my blog, on my last “under construction” post. I decided to give an official response because I suspect that this may be a reflection of what many of you may have been thinking. This person called “Yosten” wrote:

“You used to write exceptional posts, but the last several posts have been kinda boring. I miss your wonderful posts. Past couple of posts are just slightly bit out of track!”

Yes, Yosten. I know. My goal has always been to be a writer that writes with a purpose about things that are meaningful to me, and to do it well. I know that these last couple posts haven’t been up to my usual standards and I regret that. But again, behind the scenes, I have been doing a lot of construction to expand this site, so pretty much all of my energy has been focused on that. These little snippet posts have been my way of keeping the site on life support until everything’s completed. How many interesting, excellent, and wonderful sites have fallen by the wayside because their owners didn’t bother to keep them current? Personally, if I see a site that hasn’t shown any sign of life in several months or more, I assume it’s dead and move on. So even if these last few posts have been rather lackluster… at least you know that I’m still here, the site is still open for business, and that you can post anytime and most likely get a reply.

Right now, the construction phase is at its halfway mark. I’ve just completed my first new page and I’m working day and night to get the rest done. Meanwhile, you can follow Virginity’s Voice on Facebook — and if you’re new to this site, feel free to browse the archives. Just bear with me during this transitional time and when everything is unveiled — I promise you it’s going to be great!

By the way, my birthday was yesterday. I’m a 43-year-old Virgin now!

Steve Carell, eat your heart out!

Under Construction — Update 07/06/12

Hey all! Just checking in to let everybody know that the site is not dead. Far from it! Even though you haven’t seen a lot of activity lately in terms of posts, there’s a lot going on behind the scenes. I’m working on several brand new pages and installing new features all the time. And now, you can visit Virginity’s Voice on Facebook! Check out my “Virginity’s Voice” page where I’ll be posting frequent updates on my progress and whatever else is on my mind.

Don’t forget to “like” me on Facebook. : )

Peace.

Post a hug for Valentine’s Day!


Yep. It’s that time of year again!

Here’s my funny Valentine video for you!

So, for all the Virgin guys out there without a Valentine today, whether you’re a nerd or not….  here’s a great big hug from me.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

(And if any of you guys could post a hug to the Virgin ladies out there without a Valentine, I’m sure they’d appreciate it!)

“Miss Daphne’s Blog” is now “Virginity’s Voice”!

 

Check it out! Miss Daphne’s Blog” is now “Virginity’s Voice“!

New Years’ is a time for change, and one of things I plan to do in 2012 is to take blogging from being a hobby to being a career. After playing around with this blog for nearly two years I decided it was time to get serious, and finally got it registered under its very own domain.

So why the name change, you may ask? Why did I go from “Miss Daphne’s Blog” (missdapnnesblog.wordpress.com) to “Virginity’s Voice” (virginitysvoice.com) instead of using missdaphnesblog.com as the domain name? Well, besides the fact that the name “Miss Daphne’s Blog” doesn’t give the casual observer a clue as to what this blog is about, I simply felt that the name no longer fit.

When I created this blog nearly two years ago I did it on a whim. I called it “Miss Daphne’s Blog” because I’m Miss Daphne and this is my blog — real creative, isn’t it?! I didn’t know what else to call it since I had no particular vision in mind. It started out as an online journal. Gradually, however, it began to take on a life of its own as I delved into the part of my life that concerned my Virginity. Over time, “Miss Daphne’s Blog” evolved into something altogether different. It became more than a just journal and it was no longer just about me as I realized that a lot of people could relate to my experiences as a Virgin.

By the end of 2011, I decided to give this blog a major overhaul starting with a new domain name that would officially make Virginity the central topic. In other words, this will no longer be an online journal. I will continue to deliver the same quality of writing but I will focus less on the trivial details of my life such as my job, my cat, or what I did over the weekend — and more on issues and stories that impact all people living as Virgins today.

You can expect to see many new features and additions to this blog in 2012, and I hope that you will come back often to witness its continuing evolution!

 Miss Daphne

How I came to be a Perpetual Virgin. part 5

I entered a three-year period of self-pity and self loathing over my virginity, and I experienced a growing sense of panic the closer I came to my 30th birthday. Losing my virginity seemed easy enough. I knew that all I had to do was put on some skimpy outfit, walk down to the nearest bar, and pick up any guy that was interested. No relationship would be necessary because I was in a hurry. A one-night stand would do just fine. All I wanted was to have sex, fast, before I was 30, so I could join the human race. The problem with this plan is that it never even made it out of the thought stage. My mind tried hard to sell it, but my heart wouldn’t buy it. I don’t know how other women do it — but there was no way I could have ever gone through with it.

Inevitably, my 30th birthday came. I went around in a haze for much of that year not knowing quite what to make of things. But after I realized that the sky had not fallen in, the sun still rose everyday, and the seasons still changed… I gradually began to come back to my senses. I was a 30-year-old virgin. I would just have to accept it. I would also have to accept that I was different. I was not like other women, and I was not what society defined as a “woman.” Society defined womanhood as something you would see in a commercial for Victoria Secret. Being a woman, society said, meant being sexy and free with your body. It meant having sex with numerous men — and the more sexually experienced a woman was the more womanly, mature, and strong she was supposed to be. And it’s not just the media that communicates this message. In the everyday world of women you are expected to be sexy to get a man and to get all the sex you can out of him… and if you play your cards right in bed, you can get money, a wedding ring, or both. If you are not doing this you are not a real woman. This, in so many words, is what mothers tell their daughters, it’s what girlfriends tell their girlfriends, it’s what just about any woman will tell another woman.

Knowing that I could not meet these expectations and that people would not look upon me as a “real woman” really hurt. It made me feel small, inadequate, and inferior. On the other hand, accepting who I was very liberating. I finally felt at peace because it was such a relief to let go of those expectations, and there was no longer that pressure to try to live up to something that I could never live up to. I no longer had to try to be something that I was not, could never be, and really didn’t want to be.

I realized that during that period of anxiety about turning 30 and still being a Virgin, I had been at a crossroads. Everyone comes to a crossroads in life where they must choose the path they want to follow and the type of person they want to be. My choice had been between staying a Virgin or becoming promiscuous. I had chosen to stay a Virgin. Yet deep down I still felt that it was time to move on… but to what? I knew that promiscuity was not an option, but I also knew that I couldn’t go back to being a “virgin-in-waiting”. I had mentally and emotionally outgrown the “true-love-waits” scene and the whole idea of pre-marital abstinence. But, even though I was no longer waiting for my prince to come — I would continue to wander aimlessly down the road of abstinence until marriage, for whatever it was worth at that point, because it seemed to be the only viable option for remaining a Virgin.

Continued…

How I came to be a Perpetual Virgin menu

How I came to be a Perpetual Virgin. Part 4

I left elementary school looking forward to having a normal high school experience. So I was very upset when I ended up at an all-girl Catholic High School. I had wanted to go to a Catholic co-ed high school across town, but my parents wouldn’t have it because they said that it was too far and not as good. Obviously, I had wanted to go to the other school because it had boys. I was not fast like some girls who could pick up boys on the street after school and on weekends. I knew that if I did not come into contact with boys in my day-to-day environment, it was likely that I would not date. I was right. I didn’t even go to prom mainly because I did not have a date. So aside from continued bullying, my high school years were uneventful.

By the time I got around to dating in college I discovered that it wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. The “relationships” I had never came to much. Guys just couldn’t accept that I would not have sex with them, and before long… they would dump me, or I would dump them.

When I entered the working world at 25, I started to question my beliefs about the Bible and Christianity. So many things that I had been taught no longer made sense to me… but then, but I suppose they never really did. I had never belonged to a church. My mother had been open-minded in allowing me to make up my own mind about religion and never imposed any beliefs on me as a child. But I considered myself a Christian because I had been raised in a Christian culture and it was all I knew. I tried to renew my faith. One day, I decided that I would read the Bible from cover to cover to get a better understanding of its teachings. But I had barely started reading Genesis before I put it down even more confused than when I started. And so, I decided that I would no longer be a Christian. I did not see the point of going along with something that I could not fully accept just because other people said it was right. The way I saw it, I was doing Christianity a favor by staying out of it. There were already too many people who call themselves Christians that don’t believe in or practice anything that the Bible says, not to mention those that make up their own version of what is clearly written in the scriptures. People like that, in my view, did nothing but bring the church down. As for me, I would rather be an honest non-believer than a bogus “saint.” At least I had the integrity to admit that I was a non-believer and move on to a religion that I could fully embrace as there are Many paths to God.

I may have left Christianity but I still maintained a strong belief in God, and my search for another belief system led me to the New Age Movement. I started reading books on New Age philosophy and the ancient spiritual traditions of my African ancestors. I didn’t agree with everything the New Age Movement advocated either, but unlike Christianity that said “IT’S THIS WAY OR THE HIGHWAY” — New Age spirituality was flexible.

A couple of years later, I began to have doubts about my virginity. Now that I was older I began to question the logic of this vow that I had made so many years ago. I had made the vow to remain a Virgin when I was a Christian, and now that I was no longer a Christian what was the point of keeping it? Everything that I had ever seen about Virginity or Chastity had described it as “a religious thing,” and more specially, “a Christian thing.” Keeping your virginity was portrayed as something that was only for Christians — not people like me. If I was no longer a Christian, I thought, shouldn’t I be having sex? There was nothing to keep me from it now. The vow I had made was a Christian vow that no longer applied.

Besides, I was getting too old for this abstinence stuff, I thought. People who promote abstinence tell you to “wait” for this fairy tale to happen about some prince who is supposed to be your “true love” coming along and making you his bride before you can have sex. It’s easy to believe in when you are in your teens and early twenties and marriage seems just over the horizon, right after college. But as you grow older and there is no prospect of marriage in sight, the abstinence fairy tale only seems to become more and more of a joke with each passing year. I mean, there I was 27 years old and still as pure as the day I was born. I wondered if I was normal. Society said that I should have lost my virginity ages ago, and that if I didn’t lose it before 30, I would certainly be abnormal. I decided that sitting around waiting on a prince that wasn’t coming because of a Christian vow that was no longer relevant was foolish and that it was time to move on. I decided it was time I lost my virginity.

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