How I became a Perpetual Virgin. Part 7

(Note: This is the last chapter in a series of posts that began in November 2011. Click here to read the previous chapters.)

Like everyone else I was raised on the notion that one day I would marry and have kids. I always assumed that sex, like death, was an inevitable conclusion. To never even try it would be against nature. So my knee-jerk reaction to this website that advocated that people should remain Virgins all their lives as a way to achieve “eternal youth, longevity, and a closer connection with God” was to run from it. “These people are nuts,” I thought as I shut down my computer. “The webmaster and everyone who posted comments agreeing with his crazy ideas saying that they were Virgins for life too were completely nuts.”

Yet no matter how much I tried to dismiss this site and its message, I kept coming back. And what kept me coming back were the people, adult Virgins like me, who posted there. Their experiences were so similar to mine — and for once I felt like I had a connection to someone. It was so reassuring it was to hear that I was not the only person going through what I was going through as an adult Virgin. And back in 2001 this was the only website that took Virginity seriously and affirmed it as something positive and acceptable for adults. I figured, why throw out the baby with the bath water? Yes, the site was a little off the wall to preach that people should purposely stay Virgins all their lives, but I decided to ignore that part. Instead, I’d just focus on the off-topic comments that people posted about saving yourself for marriage.

But something inside me started to change. The more I thought about my Virginity the more I realized how much it actually meant to me. Whenever I thought about having to give it up (even in the context of marriage) I would become extremely depressed. I realized how much my virginity truly enriched my life. It gave me freedom, clarity, and an optimism that other people didn’t have. I also realized that the feelings I had when I was going through that phase of wanting to lose my Virginity to the first guy that came along were coming more out of a desire to fit in and be normal than a genuine desire for sex. Furthermore, I realized that whatever feelings that I had about getting married and starting a family I had because I had been conditioned to think that it was inevitable and what I should want. It had nothing to do with what I subconsciously wanted for myself. But now I knew without a doubt that what I truly wanted was to remain a Virgin, always. And for the first time I realized that I could pursue another path other than the one society held up. I decided to take the road less traveled. I would choose to remain a Virgin for life. I would become a Perpetual Virgin.

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So that’s how I came to be a Perpetual Virgin. And though I am ending my story here, my life being the person that I truly am was only beginning. Over the next 12 years I would continue to grow spiritually and mentally to embrace this path that God’s grace has permitted me to follow. And if there’s one thing I want all the reluctant virgins and virgin-in-waiting to take away from my story it’s that any Virgin can be a Perpetual Virgin. I was once just like you.

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How I came to be a Perpetual Virgin. Part 4

I left elementary school looking forward to having a normal high school experience. So I was very upset when I ended up at an all-girl Catholic High School. I had wanted to go to a Catholic co-ed high school across town, but my parents wouldn’t have it because they said that it was too far and not as good. Obviously, I had wanted to go to the other school because it had boys. I was not fast like some girls who could pick up boys on the street after school and on weekends. I knew that if I did not come into contact with boys in my day-to-day environment, it was likely that I would not date. I was right. I didn’t even go to prom mainly because I did not have a date. So aside from continued bullying, my high school years were uneventful.

By the time I got around to dating in college I discovered that it wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. The “relationships” I had never came to much. Guys just couldn’t accept that I would not have sex with them, and before long… they would dump me, or I would dump them.

When I entered the working world at 25, I started to question my beliefs about the Bible and Christianity. So many things that I had been taught no longer made sense to me… but then, but I suppose they never really did. I had never belonged to a church. My mother had been open-minded in allowing me to make up my own mind about religion and never imposed any beliefs on me as a child. But I considered myself a Christian because I had been raised in a Christian culture and it was all I knew. I tried to renew my faith. One day, I decided that I would read the Bible from cover to cover to get a better understanding of its teachings. But I had barely started reading Genesis before I put it down even more confused than when I started. And so, I decided that I would no longer be a Christian. I did not see the point of going along with something that I could not fully accept just because other people said it was right. The way I saw it, I was doing Christianity a favor by staying out of it. There were already too many people who call themselves Christians that don’t believe in or practice anything that the Bible says, not to mention those that make up their own version of what is clearly written in the scriptures. People like that, in my view, did nothing but bring the church down. As for me, I would rather be an honest non-believer than a bogus “saint.” At least I had the integrity to admit that I was a non-believer and move on to a religion that I could fully embrace as there are Many paths to God.

I may have left Christianity but I still maintained a strong belief in God, and my search for another belief system led me to the New Age Movement. I started reading books on New Age philosophy and the ancient spiritual traditions of my African ancestors. I didn’t agree with everything the New Age Movement advocated either, but unlike Christianity that said “IT’S THIS WAY OR THE HIGHWAY” — New Age spirituality was flexible.

A couple of years later, I began to have doubts about my virginity. Now that I was older I began to question the logic of this vow that I had made so many years ago. I had made the vow to remain a Virgin when I was a Christian, and now that I was no longer a Christian what was the point of keeping it? Everything that I had ever seen about Virginity or Chastity had described it as “a religious thing,” and more specially, “a Christian thing.” Keeping your virginity was portrayed as something that was only for Christians — not people like me. If I was no longer a Christian, I thought, shouldn’t I be having sex? There was nothing to keep me from it now. The vow I had made was a Christian vow that no longer applied.

Besides, I was getting too old for this abstinence stuff, I thought. People who promote abstinence tell you to “wait” for this fairy tale to happen about some prince who is supposed to be your “true love” coming along and making you his bride before you can have sex. It’s easy to believe in when you are in your teens and early twenties and marriage seems just over the horizon, right after college. But as you grow older and there is no prospect of marriage in sight, the abstinence fairy tale only seems to become more and more of a joke with each passing year. I mean, there I was 27 years old and still as pure as the day I was born. I wondered if I was normal. Society said that I should have lost my virginity ages ago, and that if I didn’t lose it before 30, I would certainly be abnormal. I decided that sitting around waiting on a prince that wasn’t coming because of a Christian vow that was no longer relevant was foolish and that it was time to move on. I decided it was time I lost my virginity.

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Remembering All Saint’s Day

Five Perpetual Virgin martyrs canonized into sainthood for extraordinary lives of purity and religious devotion: St. Agnes, St. Catherine, St. Lucy, St. Barbara, and St. Joan (Joan of Arc).

Today is November 1 — otherwise known as All Saint’s Day. All Saint’s Day is a universal Christian feast day that honors and remembers all the people who died for their Christian faith. You might say that All Saint’s Day is the Memorial Day of Christianity. The holiday was established by the early church to add a Christian context to the pagan celebrations honoring the dead which have become our Halloween. I went to a Catholic elementary school as a child, and every morning on All Saint’s Day the whole school would to mass. After the horrors of Halloween night, I remember how comforting it felt to go to church the next day to celebrate what was holy and good. But most Christians today don’t even know what All Saint’s Day is, let alone celebrate it. It doesn’t even appear on the calendar anymore.

I bring this up because I find it amusing how every October fanatical Christians condemn Halloween as the “devil’s holiday” and say that it shouldn’t be celebrated. I believe in God but I am not a Christian, and haven’t been for a long time. But I went to church last week when my aunt invited me for her birthday celebration. The minister said that they would be having “hallelujah night” on October 31 as an alternative to Halloween festivities. I thought “hallelujah night” sounded pretty lame next to Halloween parties and trick-or-treating. I remembered how I looked forward to going to All Saint’s Day mass the morning after Halloween as a kid. I concluded that if Christians want to get their message out to kids they shouldn’t try to compete with Halloween, because, let’s face it, they’ll lose. Instead, they should offer services on All Saint’s Day to let kids know that no matter how dark and scary things may seem, God will always bring light the next day.

People who abstain from sex should say “NO” to bullying. (continued)

In my last post I wrote about a group that I started on a social networking site dedicated to getting the word out about anti-virgin bullying. I also wrote that I would let you know what happened with this group in the days to come. Well, for a long while nothing happened. The “group” had been in place for over a month and until recently, I was its lone member. I couldn’t believe that I was the only one who saw bullying, sexual harassment, and discrimination against sexually abstinent people as a problem, and I knew that there were many other people out there who had experienced it and where upset by it. Clearly, the “if-you-build-it-they-will-come” approach wasn’t working so I decided to take my message directly to the people.

There were a number of other groups on this site devoted to Virginity and Celibacy so I decided that I would publicize my anti-bullying message there and provide links back to my group. The first group I went to was a popular Virginity group where I immediately noticed a post that said, “Is anybody following the Tim Tebow story?American football player for the Denver Broncos is facing a special kind of discrimination because he is a Christian Virgin.” I posted back to the author of the thread saying this was the first time I had heard of it, and that I had just started a group devoted to addressing issues of bullying and discrimination against Virgins. I told him that anti-virgin sentiment in our society was getting so bad that a kid had committed suicide because he was being teased for being a Virgin. (I was referring to the Michael Berry story that I wrote about in my last post.)

“I believe what you are saying,” he replied, “the football team is lying about Tebow, and saying he can’t play, in an attempt to destroy his career before it gets started…. Did you know that the Bible has advice for virgins, and it’s actually telling people to lie, in order to protect themselves? Yes, the Bible actually says ‘use a lying spirit’, and to not ‘share your pearls’, with those who would hurt you. In other words, don’t admit you’re a virgin, is actually Biblical advice.” he said

He offered to show me the verses and said that “the language is actually harsher for people who want to hurt virgins. So, virgins who feel the need to protect themselves don’t have to feel guilty about whatever measures they take.”

He asked me to provide a link to my group so he could check out what I had written, and I said that I would look into the Tim Tebow story. But all I could think about was him telling me that as Virgins we should lie about who we are for the sake of not appearing to be different from everyone else just because of the hateful and intolerant attitudes of some people. I am no Biblical scholar, but I had never heard of any scripture in the Bible that encouraged people to lie. Even if there was I it wouldn’t matter to me because — #1. I am not a Christian, and #2. I am proud of my Virginity and I don’t think that I should have to hide it. 

I posted links to my group and to the story I wrote and said that I would investigate Tim Tebow. I needed a real life example of anti-virgin discrimination other than the fictional “School Daze” example I wrote of in my “People who abstain from sex should say “NO” to bullying” story, and if Tim Tebow is truly being discriminated against because he is a Virgin, I will have heard just about everything.

  • Author: Miss Daphne

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