How Virgins seeking Virgins online can avoid being catfished.

OK. So, hopefully you’ve read the last post and you know all about my embarrassing experience of being catfished by a horny guy posing online as a Virgin using a Virginity website that he created as a come-on. But…

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…”

Well, that hasn’t happened yet. And I don’t ever intend for it to happen. Oh, I’ve encountered other catfish posing as Virgins since I got scammed the first time, but I’ve learned a lot since then, and I’ve successfully dodged bullets ever since. So Virgins, if you don’t want to end up as catfish bait for some creepy Virgin hunter, here’s some things you must always remember before trusting anyone you meet online who claims to be a Virgin — especially if they may have romantic interest in you.

1. Never take anything at face value.

Never take anything at face value.

As I’ve said, there have always been attention seekers and cheats who have lied about being Virgins, and just because someone says they’re a Virgin it doesn’t mean that they are. Never take anything at face value — especially on the internet. Always, always ask questions. And learn to ask the right questions. NEVER ask someone, “Are you a Virgin?” People interpret “Virgin” to mean all kinds of things and they can always say “yes” based on something that’s total nonsense. Instead you should ask, “What is the most sexual thing that you have ever done?” Of course, the right answer to this question is (and they should say this without hesitation), that they haven’t engaged in any form of sexual activity at all. But many catfish will readily admit that they’ve engaged in oral intercourse, manual intercourse, or anal intercourse because they foolishly think that these things are acceptable in the Virgin community. I have stopped dozens of catfish dead in their tracks this way. It’s one of the first things I ask any would-be Virgin I meet, and if they give the wrong answer — they’re history. The “What is the most sexual thing you’ve ever done?” question is one of the most important weapons in your arsenal to quickly flush out a potential fake. It’s a simple direct approach that you can use online or offline that will keep you from wasting time with posers who aren’t worth your time.

2. People can’t give what they don’t have.

What if the person you’re talking to says that they are as pure as the falling snow when you ask about their sexual background? Silently congratulate them for having the sense to know what “Virgin” means but still don’t trust them. A clever catfish may be able to bypass the first hurdle by telling a simple lie but this next hurdle is almost sure to trip them up. Remember how I told you in the last post about Bill not having anything to say about his experiences as a Virgin? I know now that it was because he had no experiences to talk about! Sure, everybody was a Virgin once, including Bill. But the common person who either lost their Virginity at an early age or sleepwalked through it can’t talk about it like someone who has really experienced it can. Real Virgins are so starved for an emphatic ear that when they finally do meet another Virgin, everything that they’ve been holding in about the experience of being a Virgin in a society where they are an oppressed minority pours out. Their lives, their thoughts, their feelings, their shared ideas and experiences dominate the conversation. But if the person you’re talking to is strangely quiet on these matters… if they are evasive when you ask them to tell you about themselves and their Virgin experiences — meaning that they are not straightforward with you and they try to avoid the issue, change the subject, or beat around the bush — they’re fake. This isn’t something that you should have to pull out of them if they were on the same wavelength as you. Some catfish will try to fake it by telling you something very general or stereotypical. One guy tried to act like he was in the know by telling me that people called him “gay” because he allegedly never had sex —  but lots of people are called “gay” for all kinds of reasons, this is not unique to Virgins and it proves nothing. You’re looking for experiences that are uniquely Virgin — and the more specifics some one gives you, the more likely they are to be for real. Being a Virgin yourself, you’ll know if what they’re saying rings true.

Some things can’t be faked. Experience is one, innocence is another. Innocence is more than just a word. It’s a state of being that shows in your attitude and outlook on life. Innocence is vibrant, energetic, and passionate, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. If the person you’re talking to is stoic, blasé, or apathetic — if they’re standoffish and can’t seem to relate to your intensity — it’s a sure sign that they’re jaded. They’ve been around, they’ve lost it, and they’re fake. People can’t give what they don’t have. And you can’t get purity of experience or the qualities of innocence from someone who simply doesn’t have it to give.

3. Trust your instincts.

Undoubtedly, the biggest mistake I made when I was catfished was that I didn’t trust my instincts. I wanted to believe in this guy so badly that I ignored multiple red flags and dismissed that little voice that told me something was wrong. Always trust your instincts and go with your gut. Even if the person you’re talking to says all the right things and seems to be passionate and sincere — if your gut tells you something’s not right — trust your gut. Even if you happen to be wrong, at least you won’t end up like Manti Te’o. ♦

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Virgins seeking Virgins online should beware of catfish.

When I first came to live with the fact that I was a Virgin adult and would remain so indefinitely, I went online to find others like me. Anyone in any given situation naturally wants to reach out to others in the same situation for guidance and support. I found a website that advertised having a support group for Virgins. This website and support group was run by a self-styled prophet who preached that Virginity was “the way of God” and that people should (this is an exact quote from the website) “eliminate the desire for sex and break free from the cycle of death and rebirth and find eternal youth and longevity.”

Anyhow…. this was the only Virgin support group that I could find, and this seemed to be the only website that had anything hopeful to say about adult Virginity.

It was a closed group, so I sent a request to join. Later, I received an email from the support group leader, webmaster, and self-professed Perpetual Virgin who I’ll call “Bill.” Bill and I ended up exchanging emails for a couple of weeks. I began to suspect that something was off because in all that time I had spoken only to him. This was supposed to be a support group. Where was the group? Whenever I asked Bill about the group or meeting other members, he changed the subject. I guessed that maybe Bill was the gatekeeper whose job it was to scrutinize every prospective new member to see if they were the right fit before admitting them. But I seriously began to wonder if there was a group at all, or if Bill made it up to lure Virgin women into a potential relationship with him. During the course of our chats he seemed to become possessive and got belligerent when I talked about the possibility of becoming sexually involved with another guy.  But after such a long time of feeling like I was the only Virgin on earth — I was so glad to had finally found someone else like me (or so I thought), I pushed aside any doubts that I had.

I began to open up to Bill and express things that I couldn’t express to anyone else in my life because they were not on my level. I trusted Bill and allowed myself to feel that I had this very deep connection with him because we were “the same”. Bill, on the other hand, was distant and stony. He strangely had nothing to say about himself or his life. I began to wonder why it was that I was doing all the talking. Several times I stopped and asked Bill to tell me something about his Virgin experiences, and each time he evaded the question.

Inevitably, the subject of sex came up. You can’t talk about abstinence without talking about sex since one cannot exist in this world without the other. It was then that Bill told me that he was, in his words, “NOT 100% pure” and that he had engaged in manual intercourse where he had allowed a “girl” to give him a handjob. My spirit crashed. Bill was not a Virgin! Worse yet, he wasn’t even Chaste and obviously didn’t believe in Chastity since he also informed me that if a woman wanted to give him oral sex he “wouldn’t deny her that.”

So, all that time I had been bearing my soul to someone who had been deceiving me all along. To think that this fool had gone to the extreme of building a website where he preached from atop Mount Olympus that everyone should follow his example and remain as pure as falling snow if they wanted to know God! This guy had a significant number of followers. So he not only catfished me, he lied to and mislead thousands of people who subscribed to his website.  The fact that he finally told me the truth (at least, as much of it as he was willing to tell — he’d probably done a lot more than just have one woman jerk him off once) didn’t make it any easier to swallow.  As for the “Virgin support group” that he was supposed to be the leader of, it turned out that it was real; he introduced me to it shortly afterward. But it was quickly clear to me that its members were all a bunch of fakes just like him, so I left. By the way, this website and support group no longer exists.

The moral of this story is… just because someone says they’re a Virgin , it doesn’t mean that they are. There have always been people who have falsely claimed a Virgin identity to get attention, to please traditionalist parents, or to make themselves look more desirable to a potential spouse/lover. Although it’s never acceptable to lie to or deceive anyone, real Virgins who live very isolated lives surrounded by people who are not their peers are particularly vulnerable to those who would take advantage their loneliness and desperation. This has never been more truer it is in this current age of social networking. There’s a name for it: “Catfishing!”

Catfishing is the phenomenon where Internet scammers create fake online profiles, identities, and entire social circles to lure people into deceptive online romances.

Catfishing is the phenomenon where Internet scammers create fake online profiles, identities, and entire social circles to lure people into deceptive online romances. The Manti Ta’o fake girlfriend hoax which received a tsunami of media coverage last February brought the threat of Catfishing into public awareness. My experience was not as bad as Manti Ta’o’s, but it was traumatic enough to make me change the way that I interact with everyone I meet online who claims to be a Virgin. What happened to me was a learning experience. Who knows, maybe it was meant to happen just so I could share what I’ve learned from it with you through this blog. In my next post, I will be giving tips and advice on how you out there in the Virgin community may avoid being baited by catfish that are lurking on websites and social media pages about Virginity.

“Catfishing” not news to Virgins.

People looking for relationships in the murky waters of cyberspace now have a new danger to watch out for this Valentine’s day… Catfish!

One month ago a catfish was, well… a fish. But now it has become a term for a phenomenon rocketed into the public consciousness by the bizarre events of the Manti Ta’o girlfriend hoax. For those outside the US who may not know what I’m talking about — Manti Ta’o is an American football player who fell in love with what he thought was an attractive young woman that he met on a social networking site. The relationship lasted for several years until Manti discovered that this “woman” who he had only communicated with online and over the phone was really a disturbed man who had created a fake online profile with a fictitious name, a made-up life, and a photograph of a woman hijacked from someone else’s profile. Manti Ta’o had been the victim of a “catfish”!

A Catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they are not online using Facebook or other social media to create a false identity, especially to lure unsuspecting people into deceptive online romances. The word “catfish” comes from the 2010 documentary Catfish about a man who, like Manti Ta’o, fell for a woman he met online based on a fabricated social media profile created by an internet predator to trick him into an  emotional/romantic relationship. (Watch the video at this link for more info on the Manti Ta’o story and the catfishing phenomenon.)

A Catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they are not online using Facebook or other social media to create a false identity.

A Catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they are not online using Facebook or other social media to create a false identity.

For weeks the Manti Ta’o catfishing story dominated the news. But it wasn’t news in my opinion, and I couldn’t understand why they were making such a big deal out of it. So, a guy gets scammed on the internet by a fraud.  There are lots of frauds on the internet, and I knew that from personal experience. Surely, everyone knows you can’t trust everything you see on the internet, right?

Well, apparently lots of people didn’t know that. I was shocked by the number of people I ‘ve seen in videos across the internet that said  that they had never heard of predators with deceptive online profiles or “catfish” before. The term “catfishing” may be new, but there’s nothing new about someone trying to lure you into a relationship by pretending to be something they are not. Virgins have been dealing with catfish — or in our case — non-virgins who pretend to be Virgins just to get into our pants, since before there was an internet. There’s a lot of frustration among Virgins about people who pretend to be Virgins, and this is becoming a serious problem as Virgin adults become more visible and begin to seek out other Virgin adults for moral support, friendship, and yes… even love. But these things become very difficult to achieve when every other person that claims to be a Virgin is not, and you don’t know who to trust.

So the whole catfishing thing was not news to me — and I doubt that it was news for the majority of real Virgins who probably have their own fish stories to tell. I certainly have mine.

  • Author: Miss Daphne

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