How Virgins seeking Virgins online can avoid being catfished.

OK. So, hopefully you’ve read the last post and you know all about my embarrassing experience of being catfished by a horny guy posing online as a Virgin using a Virginity website that he created as a come-on. But…

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…”

Well, that hasn’t happened yet. And I don’t ever intend for it to happen. Oh, I’ve encountered other catfish posing as Virgins since I got scammed the first time, but I’ve learned a lot since then, and I’ve successfully dodged bullets ever since. So Virgins, if you don’t want to end up as catfish bait for some creepy Virgin hunter, here’s some things you must always remember before trusting anyone you meet online who claims to be a Virgin — especially if they may have romantic interest in you.

1. Never take anything at face value.

Never take anything at face value.

As I’ve said, there have always been attention seekers and cheats who have lied about being Virgins, and just because someone says they’re a Virgin it doesn’t mean that they are. Never take anything at face value — especially on the internet. Always, always ask questions. And learn to ask the right questions. NEVER ask someone, “Are you a Virgin?” People interpret “Virgin” to mean all kinds of things and they can always say “yes” based on something that’s total nonsense. Instead you should ask, “What is the most sexual thing that you have ever done?” Of course, the right answer to this question is (and they should say this without hesitation), that they haven’t engaged in any form of sexual activity at all. But many catfish will readily admit that they’ve engaged in oral intercourse, manual intercourse, or anal intercourse because they foolishly think that these things are acceptable in the Virgin community. I have stopped dozens of catfish dead in their tracks this way. It’s one of the first things I ask any would-be Virgin I meet, and if they give the wrong answer — they’re history. The “What is the most sexual thing you’ve ever done?” question is one of the most important weapons in your arsenal to quickly flush out a potential fake. It’s a simple direct approach that you can use online or offline that will keep you from wasting time with posers who aren’t worth your time.

2. People can’t give what they don’t have.

What if the person you’re talking to says that they are as pure as the falling snow when you ask about their sexual background? Silently congratulate them for having the sense to know what “Virgin” means but still don’t trust them. A clever catfish may be able to bypass the first hurdle by telling a simple lie but this next hurdle is almost sure to trip them up. Remember how I told you in the last post about Bill not having anything to say about his experiences as a Virgin? I know now that it was because he had no experiences to talk about! Sure, everybody was a Virgin once, including Bill. But the common person who either lost their Virginity at an early age or sleepwalked through it can’t talk about it like someone who has really experienced it can. Real Virgins are so starved for an emphatic ear that when they finally do meet another Virgin, everything that they’ve been holding in about the experience of being a Virgin in a society where they are an oppressed minority pours out. Their lives, their thoughts, their feelings, their shared ideas and experiences dominate the conversation. But if the person you’re talking to is strangely quiet on these matters… if they are evasive when you ask them to tell you about themselves and their Virgin experiences — meaning that they are not straightforward with you and they try to avoid the issue, change the subject, or beat around the bush — they’re fake. This isn’t something that you should have to pull out of them if they were on the same wavelength as you. Some catfish will try to fake it by telling you something very general or stereotypical. One guy tried to act like he was in the know by telling me that people called him “gay” because he allegedly never had sex —  but lots of people are called “gay” for all kinds of reasons, this is not unique to Virgins and it proves nothing. You’re looking for experiences that are uniquely Virgin — and the more specifics some one gives you, the more likely they are to be for real. Being a Virgin yourself, you’ll know if what they’re saying rings true.

Some things can’t be faked. Experience is one, innocence is another. Innocence is more than just a word. It’s a state of being that shows in your attitude and outlook on life. Innocence is vibrant, energetic, and passionate, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. If the person you’re talking to is stoic, blasé, or apathetic — if they’re standoffish and can’t seem to relate to your intensity — it’s a sure sign that they’re jaded. They’ve been around, they’ve lost it, and they’re fake. People can’t give what they don’t have. And you can’t get purity of experience or the qualities of innocence from someone who simply doesn’t have it to give.

3. Trust your instincts.

Undoubtedly, the biggest mistake I made when I was catfished was that I didn’t trust my instincts. I wanted to believe in this guy so badly that I ignored multiple red flags and dismissed that little voice that told me something was wrong. Always trust your instincts and go with your gut. Even if the person you’re talking to says all the right things and seems to be passionate and sincere — if your gut tells you something’s not right — trust your gut. Even if you happen to be wrong, at least you won’t end up like Manti Te’o. ♦

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“Catfishing” not news to Virgins.

People looking for relationships in the murky waters of cyberspace now have a new danger to watch out for this Valentine’s day… Catfish!

One month ago a catfish was, well… a fish. But now it has become a term for a phenomenon rocketed into the public consciousness by the bizarre events of the Manti Ta’o girlfriend hoax. For those outside the US who may not know what I’m talking about — Manti Ta’o is an American football player who fell in love with what he thought was an attractive young woman that he met on a social networking site. The relationship lasted for several years until Manti discovered that this “woman” who he had only communicated with online and over the phone was really a disturbed man who had created a fake online profile with a fictitious name, a made-up life, and a photograph of a woman hijacked from someone else’s profile. Manti Ta’o had been the victim of a “catfish”!

A Catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they are not online using Facebook or other social media to create a false identity, especially to lure unsuspecting people into deceptive online romances. The word “catfish” comes from the 2010 documentary Catfish about a man who, like Manti Ta’o, fell for a woman he met online based on a fabricated social media profile created by an internet predator to trick him into an  emotional/romantic relationship. (Watch the video at this link for more info on the Manti Ta’o story and the catfishing phenomenon.)

A Catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they are not online using Facebook or other social media to create a false identity.

A Catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they are not online using Facebook or other social media to create a false identity.

For weeks the Manti Ta’o catfishing story dominated the news. But it wasn’t news in my opinion, and I couldn’t understand why they were making such a big deal out of it. So, a guy gets scammed on the internet by a fraud.  There are lots of frauds on the internet, and I knew that from personal experience. Surely, everyone knows you can’t trust everything you see on the internet, right?

Well, apparently lots of people didn’t know that. I was shocked by the number of people I ‘ve seen in videos across the internet that said  that they had never heard of predators with deceptive online profiles or “catfish” before. The term “catfishing” may be new, but there’s nothing new about someone trying to lure you into a relationship by pretending to be something they are not. Virgins have been dealing with catfish — or in our case — non-virgins who pretend to be Virgins just to get into our pants, since before there was an internet. There’s a lot of frustration among Virgins about people who pretend to be Virgins, and this is becoming a serious problem as Virgin adults become more visible and begin to seek out other Virgin adults for moral support, friendship, and yes… even love. But these things become very difficult to achieve when every other person that claims to be a Virgin is not, and you don’t know who to trust.

So the whole catfishing thing was not news to me — and I doubt that it was news for the majority of real Virgins who probably have their own fish stories to tell. I certainly have mine.

Under Construction — Update 07/06/12

Hey all! Just checking in to let everybody know that the site is not dead. Far from it! Even though you haven’t seen a lot of activity lately in terms of posts, there’s a lot going on behind the scenes. I’m working on several brand new pages and installing new features all the time. And now, you can visit Virginity’s Voice on Facebook! Check out my “Virginity’s Voice” page where I’ll be posting frequent updates on my progress and whatever else is on my mind.

Don’t forget to “like” me on Facebook. : )

Peace.

People who abstain from sex should say “NO” to bullying. (continued)

In my last post I wrote about a group that I started on a social networking site dedicated to getting the word out about anti-virgin bullying. I also wrote that I would let you know what happened with this group in the days to come. Well, for a long while nothing happened. The “group” had been in place for over a month and until recently, I was its lone member. I couldn’t believe that I was the only one who saw bullying, sexual harassment, and discrimination against sexually abstinent people as a problem, and I knew that there were many other people out there who had experienced it and where upset by it. Clearly, the “if-you-build-it-they-will-come” approach wasn’t working so I decided to take my message directly to the people.

There were a number of other groups on this site devoted to Virginity and Celibacy so I decided that I would publicize my anti-bullying message there and provide links back to my group. The first group I went to was a popular Virginity group where I immediately noticed a post that said, “Is anybody following the Tim Tebow story?American football player for the Denver Broncos is facing a special kind of discrimination because he is a Christian Virgin.” I posted back to the author of the thread saying this was the first time I had heard of it, and that I had just started a group devoted to addressing issues of bullying and discrimination against Virgins. I told him that anti-virgin sentiment in our society was getting so bad that a kid had committed suicide because he was being teased for being a Virgin. (I was referring to the Michael Berry story that I wrote about in my last post.)

“I believe what you are saying,” he replied, “the football team is lying about Tebow, and saying he can’t play, in an attempt to destroy his career before it gets started…. Did you know that the Bible has advice for virgins, and it’s actually telling people to lie, in order to protect themselves? Yes, the Bible actually says ‘use a lying spirit’, and to not ‘share your pearls’, with those who would hurt you. In other words, don’t admit you’re a virgin, is actually Biblical advice.” he said

He offered to show me the verses and said that “the language is actually harsher for people who want to hurt virgins. So, virgins who feel the need to protect themselves don’t have to feel guilty about whatever measures they take.”

He asked me to provide a link to my group so he could check out what I had written, and I said that I would look into the Tim Tebow story. But all I could think about was him telling me that as Virgins we should lie about who we are for the sake of not appearing to be different from everyone else just because of the hateful and intolerant attitudes of some people. I am no Biblical scholar, but I had never heard of any scripture in the Bible that encouraged people to lie. Even if there was I it wouldn’t matter to me because — #1. I am not a Christian, and #2. I am proud of my Virginity and I don’t think that I should have to hide it. 

I posted links to my group and to the story I wrote and said that I would investigate Tim Tebow. I needed a real life example of anti-virgin discrimination other than the fictional “School Daze” example I wrote of in my “People who abstain from sex should say “NO” to bullying” story, and if Tim Tebow is truly being discriminated against because he is a Virgin, I will have heard just about everything.

People who abstain from sex should say “NO” to bullying.

Hello again!

If you are a repeat visitor or have seen my last post, you know that it has been awhile since I last posted. I don’t want you to think that I’m a lazy blogger, it’s just that I’ve been going through some things. The thing awoke my from blogger hibernation is a recent experience with a social networking site. No, I’m not on Facebook… yet. (That’s coming.) I’m with a social network that many of you have probably never heard of called “The Experience Project.” It’s a site where you can start groups based on special interests and write about your experiences and opinions on things and other people respond. Anyway, I started a group called “I think people who abstain from sex should say NO to bullying.” And I posted an “experience” or article called, “Wake up, people!” I’ll comment on what happened in the days ahead, but first read the story. I’ve reprinted it here for your convenience. Here it is…

Look at this!!!   
http://www.koat.com/r/27350780/detail.html

This happened four months ago, but did any of you hear about it? I didn’t. A 13-year-old boy rapes his 7-year-old sister because he was being mercilessly bullied and tormented for being a Virgin. If this kid had been bullied for being gay it would have been all over the news and there would have been public outrage. But since he was only a Virgin, the whole thing was pretty much dismissed and laughed off just like that guy in the video did. “Awwww, come on!” he said.

I am a virgin myself and I say to other Virgins — and to Celibates too for that matter — that if you think that people who abstain from sex are hated, undervalued, and treated as less than human in this society — you are not imagining things — you are absolutely right! When I first heard about this story it made me angry. When I saw this video I wanted to cry. But this tale of anti-chaste bullying and hate is not an isolated incident. The world is full of stories of people who are bullied, harassed, and discriminated against for being Virgins or Celibate. Most go unreported as they are not considered newsworthy. Others you would have to look hard for in order to find. Like the story of Michael Berry who was bullied so relentlessly by his school peers for being a Virgin that on the morning of his seventeenth birthday he brought a gun to school and shot himself. They found his body lying on the floor of the school bathroom along with four suicide notes describing why he did it and the fact that he had nowhere to go for help or support. (view his story here)
http://ghswarriorvoice.com/student-life/2011/02/01/why-bullying-has-to-stop/

And if you think that this sort of bullying is only a problem for Virgin males, you’re wrong. I have heard stories of Virgin girls that were beaten up by gangs of other girls just for being Virgins. In another story a 17-year-old girl wanted to drop out of school because she was being hit and called names by the other kids because she was a Virgin. Then the boy she went to prom with started a rumor that he had sex with her things got worse. The other boys wanted her to “put out” for them too. Of course, she refused and then she stared being sexually harassed in addition to being bullied. 
http://life.familyeducation.com/teen/peer-pressure/41532.html

Sexual harassment is also a huge issue for sexually abstinent people. I read one story about a guy who was forced to quit a high paying job because he was being sexually harassed by female co-workers who taunted him about his Virginity and subjected him to sexually explicit harassment. He is now attempting to sue for damages for sexual harassment, sexual discrimination, and victimization.  
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-446515-my-virgin-taunt-by-sex-bully.do

This story hit home for me because I myself had to quit a job after co-workers found out that I was a Virgin and the sexual harassment became ridiculous. Sexually abstinent people also face discrimination. I haven’t been able to find any articles on it but in Spike Lee movie “School Daze” there was a fraternity that openly refused to admit Virgins. And since art imitates life such a situation had to exist somewhere.

The reason I’m saying all this is to get people to wake up. Anti-chaste bullying, sexual harassment, and discrimination has to stop. And the first step to doing that is by telling our stories and breaking the silence and apathy that surrounds this issue. What we really need is an organization to fight for the rights of Virgin and Celibate people just like the gays and every other group has. In the meantime, It’s my hope that this group will provide help and support for anyone dealing with these issues. A support group like this is what poor Michael Berry did not have. Perhaps he would still be alive had there been one.

  • Author: Miss Daphne

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