How I came to be a Perpetual Virgin. part 6

Someone once said “Everybody is afraid of dying until it hits you! After that you don’t give it a second thought.” That quote popped into my mind as I was thinking about what to write for this post and it’s ironic how much it sums up my own experience of being absolutely terrified of becoming a 30-year-old Virgin. Like so many others, I had brought into everything bad that society said about adult Virginity — that adult Virgins are abnormal, freaks, losers, and failures as women. I had been so brainwashed by this garbage that I had, in fact, looked upon turning 30 as a sort of death, because 30 was the “final deadline.”

According to society, you should lose their Virginity before your 18th birthday because you are considered an adult at that age, and no respectable adult should be a Virgin. And though it’s “disappointing” if you don’t make this first deadline, it’s OK, there’s still time. The second deadline comes at age 25. If you still haven’t had sex by then, society says, you definitely have issues, but there’s still hope because you’re not over the hill yet. But once you hit that third and final deadline, the big 3-0, and you still haven’t lost it — you are officially condemned to social oblivion. Three strikes, you’re out!

Fortunately for me being “out” had it’s benefits. Once the unthinkable had happened — I greeted my 30thbirthday still as pure as a newborn babe — all the fear and anxiety I’d experienced over the prospect of getting stuck with an “expired” V-card vanished. By the time I turned 31 and the “final deadline” had faded into the rear view mirror, all the things that society said about Virginity and sex didn’t matter so much anymore. Everything started to look brighter and clearer, and for the first time in a long time I felt a sense of peace because I was no longer at war with myself. I was no longer fighting the Chaste woman who I was meant to be, and I was no longer trying to destroy the Virginity that was so much a part of me.

Now that I had accepted the fact that I was different, I suddenly felt extremely lonely and isolated. I felt alienated from everyone else around me because I was the only adult Virgin I knew. I wondered if there were any other people like me. I decided to find out, and there was no better place to start than online.

The first significant pro-Virgin website I found was one whose title page declared that Virginity and Celibacy was “a way to longevity and a healthy life.” FINALLY! In an anti-Virgin world where everything was all about sex, I had finally found something that I could relate to. I was so thrilled to have found such a site that devoured its pages without even stopping to comprehend what I was actually reading — like a starving man shoveling heaps of food in his mouth without taking the time to taste it. But the highlight of it all was viewing the website’s guestbook and the tons of comments left by Virgins, many of them my age or older. What a relief it was to finally know that I was not the only one, and that I was not so odd after all. And there were male Virgins, too. More of them than I would have expected there to be. In fact, the males seemed to outnumber the females, not that I had any complains.

My excitement came to a screeching halt, however, when I became aware from closely reading the various messages that this site was about LIFELONG CHASTITY, and advocated staying a Virgin for your ENTIRE life. No sex. No marriage. EVER! Somehow I had missed that part coming in. I couldn’t believe it! As far as I knew, Perpetual Virginity was the stuff of myths and legends. I had never heard of people who chose to permanently remain Virgins in real life; I didn’t even know it was possible, let alone an option. At that time, I was still technically practicing abstinence until marriage. I had always planned on getting married and having sex eventually, because I assumed that marriage and sex, like death and taxes, were inevitable. No matter how much I enjoyed being a Virgin I understood that one day it had to end, because “you can’t stay a Virgin all your life!” or so I had been told. Going through life without ever having sex was unnatural, so I believed. It wasn’t normal and it wasn’t right.

I continued to scroll down through the various messages in the guest book where people spoke about how committing to lifelong Virginity brought them a greater sense of purpose, made them feel closer to God, brought them eternal happiness, and so on. “These people are a bunch of flakes!” I thought. “I search for other Virgins and this is what I find??? This website is nutty and I won’t waste anymore of my time with it!” I exited out and shut down the computer.

 Continued…

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“Miss Daphne’s Blog” is now “Virginity’s Voice”!

 

Check it out! Miss Daphne’s Blog” is now “Virginity’s Voice“!

New Years’ is a time for change, and one of things I plan to do in 2012 is to take blogging from being a hobby to being a career. After playing around with this blog for nearly two years I decided it was time to get serious, and finally got it registered under its very own domain.

So why the name change, you may ask? Why did I go from “Miss Daphne’s Blog” (missdapnnesblog.wordpress.com) to “Virginity’s Voice” (virginitysvoice.com) instead of using missdaphnesblog.com as the domain name? Well, besides the fact that the name “Miss Daphne’s Blog” doesn’t give the casual observer a clue as to what this blog is about, I simply felt that the name no longer fit.

When I created this blog nearly two years ago I did it on a whim. I called it “Miss Daphne’s Blog” because I’m Miss Daphne and this is my blog — real creative, isn’t it?! I didn’t know what else to call it since I had no particular vision in mind. It started out as an online journal. Gradually, however, it began to take on a life of its own as I delved into the part of my life that concerned my Virginity. Over time, “Miss Daphne’s Blog” evolved into something altogether different. It became more than a just journal and it was no longer just about me as I realized that a lot of people could relate to my experiences as a Virgin.

By the end of 2011, I decided to give this blog a major overhaul starting with a new domain name that would officially make Virginity the central topic. In other words, this will no longer be an online journal. I will continue to deliver the same quality of writing but I will focus less on the trivial details of my life such as my job, my cat, or what I did over the weekend — and more on issues and stories that impact all people living as Virgins today.

You can expect to see many new features and additions to this blog in 2012, and I hope that you will come back often to witness its continuing evolution!

 Miss Daphne

How I came to be a Perpetual Virgin. part 5

I entered a three-year period of self-pity and self loathing over my virginity, and I experienced a growing sense of panic the closer I came to my 30th birthday. Losing my virginity seemed easy enough. I knew that all I had to do was put on some skimpy outfit, walk down to the nearest bar, and pick up any guy that was interested. No relationship would be necessary because I was in a hurry. A one-night stand would do just fine. All I wanted was to have sex, fast, before I was 30, so I could join the human race. The problem with this plan is that it never even made it out of the thought stage. My mind tried hard to sell it, but my heart wouldn’t buy it. I don’t know how other women do it — but there was no way I could have ever gone through with it.

Inevitably, my 30th birthday came. I went around in a haze for much of that year not knowing quite what to make of things. But after I realized that the sky had not fallen in, the sun still rose everyday, and the seasons still changed… I gradually began to come back to my senses. I was a 30-year-old virgin. I would just have to accept it. I would also have to accept that I was different. I was not like other women, and I was not what society defined as a “woman.” Society defined womanhood as something you would see in a commercial for Victoria Secret. Being a woman, society said, meant being sexy and free with your body. It meant having sex with numerous men — and the more sexually experienced a woman was the more womanly, mature, and strong she was supposed to be. And it’s not just the media that communicates this message. In the everyday world of women you are expected to be sexy to get a man and to get all the sex you can out of him… and if you play your cards right in bed, you can get money, a wedding ring, or both. If you are not doing this you are not a real woman. This, in so many words, is what mothers tell their daughters, it’s what girlfriends tell their girlfriends, it’s what just about any woman will tell another woman.

Knowing that I could not meet these expectations and that people would not look upon me as a “real woman” really hurt. It made me feel small, inadequate, and inferior. On the other hand, accepting who I was very liberating. I finally felt at peace because it was such a relief to let go of those expectations, and there was no longer that pressure to try to live up to something that I could never live up to. I no longer had to try to be something that I was not, could never be, and really didn’t want to be.

I realized that during that period of anxiety about turning 30 and still being a Virgin, I had been at a crossroads. Everyone comes to a crossroads in life where they must choose the path they want to follow and the type of person they want to be. My choice had been between staying a Virgin or becoming promiscuous. I had chosen to stay a Virgin. Yet deep down I still felt that it was time to move on… but to what? I knew that promiscuity was not an option, but I also knew that I couldn’t go back to being a “virgin-in-waiting”. I had mentally and emotionally outgrown the “true-love-waits” scene and the whole idea of pre-marital abstinence. But, even though I was no longer waiting for my prince to come — I would continue to wander aimlessly down the road of abstinence until marriage, for whatever it was worth at that point, because it seemed to be the only viable option for remaining a Virgin.

Continued…

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How I came to be a Perpetual Virgin. Part 4

I left elementary school looking forward to having a normal high school experience. So I was very upset when I ended up at an all-girl Catholic High School. I had wanted to go to a Catholic co-ed high school across town, but my parents wouldn’t have it because they said that it was too far and not as good. Obviously, I had wanted to go to the other school because it had boys. I was not fast like some girls who could pick up boys on the street after school and on weekends. I knew that if I did not come into contact with boys in my day-to-day environment, it was likely that I would not date. I was right. I didn’t even go to prom mainly because I did not have a date. So aside from continued bullying, my high school years were uneventful.

By the time I got around to dating in college I discovered that it wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. The “relationships” I had never came to much. Guys just couldn’t accept that I would not have sex with them, and before long… they would dump me, or I would dump them.

When I entered the working world at 25, I started to question my beliefs about the Bible and Christianity. So many things that I had been taught no longer made sense to me… but then, but I suppose they never really did. I had never belonged to a church. My mother had been open-minded in allowing me to make up my own mind about religion and never imposed any beliefs on me as a child. But I considered myself a Christian because I had been raised in a Christian culture and it was all I knew. I tried to renew my faith. One day, I decided that I would read the Bible from cover to cover to get a better understanding of its teachings. But I had barely started reading Genesis before I put it down even more confused than when I started. And so, I decided that I would no longer be a Christian. I did not see the point of going along with something that I could not fully accept just because other people said it was right. The way I saw it, I was doing Christianity a favor by staying out of it. There were already too many people who call themselves Christians that don’t believe in or practice anything that the Bible says, not to mention those that make up their own version of what is clearly written in the scriptures. People like that, in my view, did nothing but bring the church down. As for me, I would rather be an honest non-believer than a bogus “saint.” At least I had the integrity to admit that I was a non-believer and move on to a religion that I could fully embrace as there are Many paths to God.

I may have left Christianity but I still maintained a strong belief in God, and my search for another belief system led me to the New Age Movement. I started reading books on New Age philosophy and the ancient spiritual traditions of my African ancestors. I didn’t agree with everything the New Age Movement advocated either, but unlike Christianity that said “IT’S THIS WAY OR THE HIGHWAY” — New Age spirituality was flexible.

A couple of years later, I began to have doubts about my virginity. Now that I was older I began to question the logic of this vow that I had made so many years ago. I had made the vow to remain a Virgin when I was a Christian, and now that I was no longer a Christian what was the point of keeping it? Everything that I had ever seen about Virginity or Chastity had described it as “a religious thing,” and more specially, “a Christian thing.” Keeping your virginity was portrayed as something that was only for Christians — not people like me. If I was no longer a Christian, I thought, shouldn’t I be having sex? There was nothing to keep me from it now. The vow I had made was a Christian vow that no longer applied.

Besides, I was getting too old for this abstinence stuff, I thought. People who promote abstinence tell you to “wait” for this fairy tale to happen about some prince who is supposed to be your “true love” coming along and making you his bride before you can have sex. It’s easy to believe in when you are in your teens and early twenties and marriage seems just over the horizon, right after college. But as you grow older and there is no prospect of marriage in sight, the abstinence fairy tale only seems to become more and more of a joke with each passing year. I mean, there I was 27 years old and still as pure as the day I was born. I wondered if I was normal. Society said that I should have lost my virginity ages ago, and that if I didn’t lose it before 30, I would certainly be abnormal. I decided that sitting around waiting on a prince that wasn’t coming because of a Christian vow that was no longer relevant was foolish and that it was time to move on. I decided it was time I lost my virginity.

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How I came to be a Perpetual Virgin. Part 3

It was the 1980’s. I was 12 years old and in sixth grade. My classmates and I were all beginning to experience the changes that come with puberty. The boys sexually tormented the girls at every available opportunity. They would grab the girl’s breasts or behinds as they walked by them in the classroom or in the halls, look up their skirts as they walked up the fire escape after a drill, and try to lure them into isolated places to kiss them.

Today, this would be called sexual harassment and would be grounds for the boys to be suspended from school or their parents to be sued, but back then it was just “mischief.” If the teacher knew about it, it wasn’t taken seriously since nothing was ever done about it. And although the girls pretended to be upset they weren’t entirely innocent. They egged the boys on and played along with everything that happened. There were even a couple of times when the tables were turned and the girls sexually harassed the boys. And what the girls did was considerably worse than anything that the boys ever pulled. I just looked on. I never got involved and I hardly had to worry about being bothered as I was the class nerd, a total outcast, and not on anyone’s hot list.

Sister Martha, the school principal and Mother Superior at the convent next door, was a very patient woman but had a hard time containing her growing outrage with the immature sexual antics of kids too young to know what they doing. The last straw came one day during recess. I don’t remember exactly what happened, but apparently the boys had done something that finally crossed the line. I was standing alone by the wall as usual, so I was not involved with whatever had happened when whistles started blowing and all the supervisors came running toward a group of kids huddled together at the center of the playground. The group was broken up, and Sister Martha shouted at the supervisors that recess was over and get the kids inside. It was not time for recess to end but we were driven off the playground and herded into the classroom where we were made to be quiet and put our heads down with the lights out.

A few minutes later, Sister Martha came in, and she was not pleased. She proceeded to give us a talking to that would turn out to be a defining moment in my life. I’m paraphrasing here, but what she said went something like this: “What happened at recess was unacceptable! It has come to my attention that this sort of behavior is becoming a problem and it must stop! I realize that you are at that age when you are becoming curious about sex and your bodies but there is a thing called self-respect. Sex is meant to be something special shared between a man and a woman who love each other within the bonds of marriage. When you treat it as something cheap you not only devalue what is meant to be holy but you also devalue yourselves when you treat your bodies so carelessly. God wants what is best for you and your virginity is a gift from God. The thing that would please God most is for you be respectful of yourselves and to stay pure until you are married… because your body is the most beautiful gift that you could ever give someone.”

I remember that last part word for word. It was a revelation! And at that moment, at 12-years-old, I vowed that I would remain a Virgin until I married. It was as simple as that. There was no Virginity pledge, no purity ring, no T-shirt, no bumper sticker. I never told anyone about it. I didn’t even tell my parents and they never knew. It was just a private affair between me and God.

People who would try to find a reason to explain why I and other Virgins are Chaste would say that it is because we were “brainwashed” by religion. Nonsense! You may be able to manipulate some kids for a while and have them to superficially go through the motions of being abstinent, but you can’t change who and what they are inside. You can teach kids about abstinence but no one can be made to be Chaste that was not already intrinsically Chaste to begin with. This is why abstinence education has no effect on the average kid and why the majority of Virginity pledges don’t last. Looking back, I realize that I have always been Chaste. When I used to go to the convent next door to the school for reading lessons I found myself fascinated with the life there and I had a closeness with the nuns that the other kids did not. Sister Martha’s speech just the nudge that was needed to start me down a path that I unknowingly was already on. There must have been thirty other kids in that classroom that day who heard the same speech. I have run into some of them over the years and whenever I did they would always tell me about this or that girl who had got pregnant before finishing high school. I’m probably the only person out of the class who still remains a Virgin to this day.

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How I came to be a Perpetual Virgin. Part 2

If I had to pick a point to start my story from, I would start from when I was just beginning to confront the facts of life. My journey as a Chaste Virgin began when I was in elementary school. I had received a Catholic school education pretty much from kindergarten all the way through high school. I never attended a public school. My parents were not Catholic. My mother belonged to the African Methodist Episcopal (AME) Church and my father was Baptist (or so he said). I went to private schools where religion was taught because my parents felt that private schools offered a better education than public schools. Yet, religion was never something that my parents imposed upon me as a child. This was deliberate on my mother’s part because she wanted me to “have my own mind” and believed that I should be free to “make my own decision” about what church I should join, so I didn’t get much religion at home. But because I attended a Catholic school where I was very deeply immersed in the teachings, rituals, and practices of the Roman Catholic Church, I felt Catholic even though I come from a Protestant home.

After my parents, the adult role models and authority figures in my life were the nuns, priests, and monks that regulated my daily life. Society may view lifelong Chastity and those who live in it as strange or abnormal, but you tend to see it differently when you grow up around it. Growing up in the Catholic school system, Chaste people were an everyday part of my life. The principal, administrators, and a many of the teachers at my schools were nuns (I had one administrator that was a monk); and every other day the whole school would attend church services where the priests performed mass. I never questioned why the nuns and priests were not married and had no children, and neither did anyone else. In Catholic society lifelong Chastity was taken for granted, especially where the clergy was concerned, and no one thought anything of it. And I certainly wasn’t paying attention to such things in those days, because like any “typical” tween girl the only thing that I was concerned with was the latest clothing styles and whatever pop singer was at the top of the music charts.

And for the record, I was not sexually abused. I have absolutely nothing dishonorable to say about any priests or nuns that I knew, and nothing unfortunate to speak of involving any children that I went to school with. My childhood experience with Catholic priests and nuns was positive. And it was here that I was first introduced to the concept of sexual purity starting me out on what would eventually become my “calling” or the path which I would be oriented to follow in life.

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How I came to be a Perpetual Virgin. Part 1

I used to think that Perpetual Virgins were a myth until I found out I was one. When I was growing up I imagined that I would have just a normal life. I would marry, have kids, and live happily ever after. I never set out to follow a Chaste path. But when I look back over my life in retrospect it just seems to be a natural fit, and I feel as though I am doing exactly what I should be doing and living the life that I was meant to live.

As corny as it sounds, I always knew that I was somehow different. This was something that I knew since the earliest days of my childhood. I never belonged. Other kids acted like kids; they were loud, rowdy, and rebellious. I, on the other hand, was very quiet, bookish, and mild-mannered; and it was often remarked by adults that I seemed mature beyond my years. While other kids tried to fit in, I followed my own rules. I did not mean to be different. I just didn’t see the point in going along with something just for the hell of it, especially if I didn’t agree with it, or knew it was wrong. So I did my own thing, and I was totally oblivious to what anyone around me thought. As far as I was concerned — who I was, was who I was. It never occurred to me that I should change or try to be like others. I guess you could say that I was a true nonconformist. But in the cruel world of kids where the nail that sticks up will be pounded down, real nonconformity is not popular or cool, and I paid a brutal price for it. I was teased and picked on without mercy from the time I started grade school up until the time I finished high school when I hung up my graduation robe, took my diploma, and never looked back.

The fact that I am different from other people I know has never been about any one particular thing as there are many sides to who I am. But the reason I am writing this story, and the reason that you are reading it, is to specifically look at how I as a Virgin came to embrace Chastity as my sexual orientation and/or sexual preference. It certainly wasn’t something that I just woke up one day and decided on. It’s a place that I gradually arrived at over the course of my entire lifetime, and I will reflect on this journey in posts to come.

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Confessions of an ex-Gleek

It was bound to happen and it finally did. Last night on Glee, Rachel, the show’s most prominent Virgin character, lost her Virginity.

In this episode, Rachel was cast to play the starring role of Maria in the school production of West Side Story. During rehearsal Artie, who was put in charge of directing the show, criticized Rachel for supposedly “not having enough passion” to accurately play the part of Maria. West Side Story was a play about “sexual awakening”, he said, and he made a speech about his own “sexual awakening” and how he “felt like a man” when he lost his Virginity. Assuming that everyone had sex, Artie asked Rachael what it was like for her when she lost her Virginity. When Rachael said she hadn’t, Artie bashed her asking how could she expect to play the role of a sexually awakened woman when she hadn’t done the deed herself. (Since when did Artie become a n expert on sex? He only got laid once!)  At that point, Rachael, who always strives for perfection, decides to have sex with her on-again-off-again boyfriend, Finn, in order to improve her acting. After some drama surrounding her first botched attempt to get in Finn’s pants when she admits to him that wants to screw him mainly to improve her acting… Rachael ends up having sex with Finn by the end of the show having assured him that she really does “love” him.

I am just sooo done with this show. I used to like it, but I’ve really gotten  tired of it. I was ready to bail after last week’s show, but when I saw that this week’s episode was going to have Virgin subject matter, I hung around figuring it would make a good topic for my blog. But now I can officially say that last night’s episode will be my last.

So why has Glee lost its groove for me? In short, I’m tired of being offended. I’m especially tired of the hypocrisy of a show that claims to be about tolerance but is only tolerant of those who are in the pop culture clique. I’m tired of being told that, as a Virgin, there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. I am tired of watching Virgins being pushed into lockers, insulted, humiliated and misrepresented as if it’s OK.

I knew before this week’s episode even aired that Rachael would probably lose her Virginity. She nearly lost it in the “Like a Virgin” episode when Finn lost his and I though it was unlikely that they would miss the mark a second time. There’s just no way that they would allow the main character in one of TV’s most popular shows to remain a Virgin. As for Glee’s other Virgin characters, their days are numbered too. Emma Pillsbury is already living with Mr. Schuster. And after anti-chaste Artie made an issue of Coach Biest’s Virginity last night, he went out of his way to hook her up. It’s only a matter of time before the other shoe drops but I won’t be there to see it.

Remembering All Saint’s Day

Five Perpetual Virgin martyrs canonized into sainthood for extraordinary lives of purity and religious devotion: St. Agnes, St. Catherine, St. Lucy, St. Barbara, and St. Joan (Joan of Arc).

Today is November 1 — otherwise known as All Saint’s Day. All Saint’s Day is a universal Christian feast day that honors and remembers all the people who died for their Christian faith. You might say that All Saint’s Day is the Memorial Day of Christianity. The holiday was established by the early church to add a Christian context to the pagan celebrations honoring the dead which have become our Halloween. I went to a Catholic elementary school as a child, and every morning on All Saint’s Day the whole school would to mass. After the horrors of Halloween night, I remember how comforting it felt to go to church the next day to celebrate what was holy and good. But most Christians today don’t even know what All Saint’s Day is, let alone celebrate it. It doesn’t even appear on the calendar anymore.

I bring this up because I find it amusing how every October fanatical Christians condemn Halloween as the “devil’s holiday” and say that it shouldn’t be celebrated. I believe in God but I am not a Christian, and haven’t been for a long time. But I went to church last week when my aunt invited me for her birthday celebration. The minister said that they would be having “hallelujah night” on October 31 as an alternative to Halloween festivities. I thought “hallelujah night” sounded pretty lame next to Halloween parties and trick-or-treating. I remembered how I looked forward to going to All Saint’s Day mass the morning after Halloween as a kid. I concluded that if Christians want to get their message out to kids they shouldn’t try to compete with Halloween, because, let’s face it, they’ll lose. Instead, they should offer services on All Saint’s Day to let kids know that no matter how dark and scary things may seem, God will always bring light the next day.

Express yourself for Halloween

Yep. Halloween is here again. It’s that one time of the year when women can dress like sluts without being called sluts — men can wear makeup without being called gay — and children can act like monsters without being scolded. Halloween is a time for breaking rules. It’s a time when you can violate every social standard for what is considered to be “acceptable” or “appropriate” and get away with it because it’s all in fun.

One of the best things about Halloween are the costumes because they allow you to openly express that socially incorrect side of your personality that you repress the other 354 days of the year. That’s why slutty, bad girl costumes, for example, are so popular. Being called a “slut” is the ultimate insult for most women, and social standards define any woman who acts out in an overtly sexual way as a “slut.” This is bad news for women that like sex because it forces them to repress who they really are for the sake of social acceptability.  But on Halloween, social standards go out the window. For one night, women can embrace their inner “bad girl” and dress as “slutty” as they like — and it’s perfectly acceptable (as long as they’re not underage) because it’s all in fum.

So what can I be for Halloween that would allow me to express some of my inner qualities? There are so many sides to my personality that I could be any number of things. But the one I choose this year is…

 Boop-boop-a-do! This is as close as I personally come to being a “bad girl.” Though Betty Boop is pretty tame compared to a lot of what’s out there, being Betty Boop for Halloween would give me a chance to express my more provocative side. I love men and I enjoy being flirtatious. This is not something that I can easily express on a daily basis because (1.) People think that being a Virgin means being asexual and to show any sign of having a pulse is to be accused of not being a Virgin at all. (2.) Warm-blooded though I may be, the last thing I want is sex, and being a flirt, even an innocent one like Betty Boop, may give guys the wrong idea.

But I’m not going to worry about that for now. After all, It’s just a costume. And in the spirit of Halloween, it’s all in fun.

Happy Halloween!

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