Want to get laid? Lower your standards.

“If you gave your man/woman a 24 hour break from your relationship,” a radio host said on a station I was listing to, “and told them that they could do anything they wanted sexually with someone else, would your man/woman have enough game to get laid in that time?”

I rolled my eyes.

These pop music stations can have some pretty dumb topics on their shows. Most of them are about sex: popular culture’s never-ending obsession. This particular segment which asked “does your man/woman have enough ‘game’ to get laid in 24 hours” got me thinking though. Popular culture likes to portray Virgins, especially adult Virgins, as people who don’t have “game” (game being slang for the ability to seduce somebody). Popular culture says that the only reason someone over 18 would be a Virgin is because they’re too ugly or geeky to get laid. Nonsense!

There is no such thing as the inability to get laid for someone whose standards are low enough!

Adults who are Virgins are Virgins because they want to be, whether they realize it or not. People who are inclined to be sexually active but have not yet done so are holding out because they want their first sexual experience to be special. They want their wedding night to mean something — or they at least want to find someone they love, and who loves them in return, to lose their virginity to. They are not looking for cheap thrills.

The stereotypes about who gets laid and who doesn’t simply don’t hold up. Despite being portrayed as undesirable losers, many Virgins are very attractive, highly successful, and extremely hip. Nick Jonas is a Virgin, and with thousands of screaming girls chasing after him, no one can say that he lacks “game”! He just chooses to abstain. And despite being portrayed as the “in-crowd” there are non-virgins that are so bad-looking, gross, and obnoxious that you wonder how they ever got over.

If a Virgin woman really wanted to have sex all she would have to do is dress like a street-walker, walk down to the nearest bar, and pick up any scumbag in the room. And a Virgin guy that wants to lose his Virginity simply has to find a street-walker. Some will go with you for as little as a pack of cigarettes.

Anyone can get laid. Anyone at all. If they are willing to lower their standards and lower them far enough.

Virgins must be more vigilant in defending their rights.

“I respect your opinion, but with all due respect I have to disagree with you,” I told Bob.

Bob, who I met in an online Virginity group, had said that the solution to the problem of anti-Virgin bigotry and bullying and that was “simple” i.e. Virgins should stay in the closet.  

“If anything,” Bob said, “it allows us the breathing space to stay Virgin without anybody knowing” and giving us a hard time about it.

 Honestly, I was not going to post what I said to Bob next because when I read it back it sounds so overwrought it’s a little embarrassing. It’s just that I have some very strong feelings about this and when I get on my soapbox I tend to really rant. Was what I said over the top? You be the judge.

“I think that lying about being a Virgin does show, maybe subconsciously, that you are ashamed of it. Here’s my perspective… I don’t go around publicizing my Virginity in my offline life because at the end of the day what difference does it make? My sexual identity has nothing to do with my ability to perform a job, or with being a good friend, or a loving family member. But there is a difference between not publicizing who you are and lying about it. I don’t go around with “VIRGIN” tattooed on my forehead, but if someone asks me if I am a Virgin (which the people at that job I talked about did) I certainly won’t deny it.

I consider myself to be a strong person. I have never been particularly concerned with what other people thought, and I think that people who let other people’s actions and opinions influence how they live their lives are making a big mistake. I think that the boy who killed himself was misguided and the one that raped his sister was nuts to begin with. I only told these stories to point out how intense the hatred out there is and to say that sexually abstinent people must be more vigilant in defending their rights. Our politically correct society bends over backwards to show tolerance for every other sexual group, what makes us a special case? Are we any less human than other groups of people? Are we not entitled to the same rights and considerations as they?

You may choose the path of least resistance, but for me lying is not the way to go. I choose to fight. The reason I walked away from that job where I was experiencing the sexual harassment was because the job sucked, the pay was lousy, and it wasn’t worth the trouble of a lawsuit. But I will fight anyone that tries to bully me into conforming because I love who I am and I see no reason to deny it. So I’m not going to pretend to be someone else and I’m not going to go somewhere and hide. People can say and do whatever they want — I can take it and I will fight back.”

OK… Maybe that was a little bombastic, but I meant every word of it. No problem was ever solved by running away from it. And if we truly want the bullying to stop WE — not just me — but WE as Virgins and as a community must stand up to the bullies. I have taken the first step by opening the conversation. What step will you take? Will you fight too, or will you be like Bob?

“I’m just into being peaceful and clever,” he replied. “There are enough wars out there, and my method doesn’t stop me from comfortably being who I am. That way, if I give them enough rope, they hang themselves.”

That is… if they don’t hang you first.

The solution to anti-Virgin bigotry and bullying is not so “simple.”

“I believe the solution to this problem is simple,” said Bob in response to my “I think people who abstain from sex should say NO to bullying” post.

I linked Bob to my post after meeting him in an online Virginity group in a discussion about anti-virgin intolerance. I disagreed the following message he sent me saying that the way to deal with anti-Virgin intolerance and bullying is basically for Virgins to lock themselves in the chastity closet and throw away the key.

“If we are willing to lie [about being Virgins] or hold our silence,” he said,“we can save ourselves a lot of heartache. Lying doesn’t necessarily equate being ashamed of Virginity. If anything, it allows us the breathing space to stay Virgin without anybody knowing it. If some official organization feels the need to ask me intimate questions, and I find that they have no legitimate reason why they are asking (which is always the case), then I’m going to lie rather than divulge such sensitive info. I’ve done it, and sure enough, it works. Nobody is able to come at me for that subject matter, because I claim to be just like them. Now, people still look at me cross-eyed, they still don’t know what to make of me, because I don’t give them a clue. What matters is, they don’t pressure me to change who I am. Maybe if you are in another high paying position, using lying to protect yourself, can give you that much needed breathing space from the malcontents, and you can keep what is important… your job. If people at your next job come onto you, you can always use the broken heart excuse, and say you’re not ready, as of yet, for a new relationship. And if the same people keep at you, you can ask them if they are stalking you, so they can be guilt-ridden into backing off of you, etc. I just think that this is a peaceful, clever way for us to keep our dignity, our choice, and peace and privacy. Camouflage works. These enemies can’t fight what they can’t see, and I don’t want any more of these tragic stories [of rape and suicide] to happen anymore. Yes, this is one of those times when a parent should teach a kid to lie. It’s better than the alternative, in today’s society. I don’t want any more parents having to live with not having protected their kids for their abstinence choice.”

Perhaps you are one of those that would agree with Bob. A lot of Virgins do go this route and it’s understandable. There’s a lot of ignorance and hatred out there. But overall, I have to disagree with Bob’s “simple” solution that hiding in the Chastity closet is the way to combat bigotry. Yes, it may give you some “breathing space” in that the Virgin bashers won’t hassle you if they don’t know you’re there, but denying who you really are not only prevents you from realizing your full potential as a human being, it prevents you from having fulfilling relationships with sexually compatible partners. Most importantly, it does nothing to solve the real problem of social intolerance and inequality.

Next time, I’ll post what I told Bob in reply.

Virgin bashers are envious, resentful, and insecure.

The fore mentioned person in my last post who I’ll refer to as “Bob” finally viewed my “I think people who abstain from sex should say NO to bullying” article. However, I totally disagreed with the response he wrote to it.

I had disagreed with Bob’s views that Virgins should “use a lying spirit” and do everything they can to hide the fact that they are Virgins. I relish my Virginity and I don’t understand why anyone who is a Virgin wouldn’t feel anything but proud and fortunate. There’s nothing more pathetic than being ashamed of who and what you are. And no matter what they say, anyone who would deny their Virginity is ashamed of it in my book. The Bobs of the world may argue that lying about being a Virgin will protect you from those that won’t like you for it. But 42 years of experience has taught me that people who don’t like you for being a virgin are either envious, resentful, or insecure. They want nothing better than to make you feel bad about yourself. And if they can shame you into hiding deep in the Chastity closet, where you are not a threat to them — they win. Why give them that power? Why allow people who secretly don’t think they are as good as you feel as though you are the loser?

Later I’ll post the comment that Bob wrote to my article and give you my response to it.

People who abstain from sex should say “NO” to bullying. (continued)

In my last post I wrote about a group that I started on a social networking site dedicated to getting the word out about anti-virgin bullying. I also wrote that I would let you know what happened with this group in the days to come. Well, for a long while nothing happened. The “group” had been in place for over a month and until recently, I was its lone member. I couldn’t believe that I was the only one who saw bullying, sexual harassment, and discrimination against sexually abstinent people as a problem, and I knew that there were many other people out there who had experienced it and where upset by it. Clearly, the “if-you-build-it-they-will-come” approach wasn’t working so I decided to take my message directly to the people.

There were a number of other groups on this site devoted to Virginity and Celibacy so I decided that I would publicize my anti-bullying message there and provide links back to my group. The first group I went to was a popular Virginity group where I immediately noticed a post that said, “Is anybody following the Tim Tebow story?American football player for the Denver Broncos is facing a special kind of discrimination because he is a Christian Virgin.” I posted back to the author of the thread saying this was the first time I had heard of it, and that I had just started a group devoted to addressing issues of bullying and discrimination against Virgins. I told him that anti-virgin sentiment in our society was getting so bad that a kid had committed suicide because he was being teased for being a Virgin. (I was referring to the Michael Berry story that I wrote about in my last post.)

“I believe what you are saying,” he replied, “the football team is lying about Tebow, and saying he can’t play, in an attempt to destroy his career before it gets started…. Did you know that the Bible has advice for virgins, and it’s actually telling people to lie, in order to protect themselves? Yes, the Bible actually says ‘use a lying spirit’, and to not ‘share your pearls’, with those who would hurt you. In other words, don’t admit you’re a virgin, is actually Biblical advice.” he said

He offered to show me the verses and said that “the language is actually harsher for people who want to hurt virgins. So, virgins who feel the need to protect themselves don’t have to feel guilty about whatever measures they take.”

He asked me to provide a link to my group so he could check out what I had written, and I said that I would look into the Tim Tebow story. But all I could think about was him telling me that as Virgins we should lie about who we are for the sake of not appearing to be different from everyone else just because of the hateful and intolerant attitudes of some people. I am no Biblical scholar, but I had never heard of any scripture in the Bible that encouraged people to lie. Even if there was I it wouldn’t matter to me because — #1. I am not a Christian, and #2. I am proud of my Virginity and I don’t think that I should have to hide it. 

I posted links to my group and to the story I wrote and said that I would investigate Tim Tebow. I needed a real life example of anti-virgin discrimination other than the fictional “School Daze” example I wrote of in my “People who abstain from sex should say “NO” to bullying” story, and if Tim Tebow is truly being discriminated against because he is a Virgin, I will have heard just about everything.

People who abstain from sex should say “NO” to bullying.

Hello again!

If you are a repeat visitor or have seen my last post, you know that it has been awhile since I last posted. I don’t want you to think that I’m a lazy blogger, it’s just that I’ve been going through some things. The thing awoke my from blogger hibernation is a recent experience with a social networking site. No, I’m not on Facebook… yet. (That’s coming.) I’m with a social network that many of you have probably never heard of called “The Experience Project.” It’s a site where you can start groups based on special interests and write about your experiences and opinions on things and other people respond. Anyway, I started a group called “I think people who abstain from sex should say NO to bullying.” And I posted an “experience” or article called, “Wake up, people!” I’ll comment on what happened in the days ahead, but first read the story. I’ve reprinted it here for your convenience. Here it is…

Look at this!!!   

This happened four months ago, but did any of you hear about it? I didn’t. A 13-year-old boy rapes his 7-year-old sister because he was being mercilessly bullied and tormented for being a Virgin. If this kid had been bullied for being gay it would have been all over the news and there would have been public outrage. But since he was only a Virgin, the whole thing was pretty much dismissed and laughed off just like that guy in the video did. “Awwww, come on!” he said.

I am a virgin myself and I say to other Virgins — and to Celibates too for that matter — that if you think that people who abstain from sex are hated, undervalued, and treated as less than human in this society — you are not imagining things — you are absolutely right! When I first heard about this story it made me angry. When I saw this video I wanted to cry. But this tale of anti-chaste bullying and hate is not an isolated incident. The world is full of stories of people who are bullied, harassed, and discriminated against for being Virgins or Celibate. Most go unreported as they are not considered newsworthy. Others you would have to look hard for in order to find. Like the story of Michael Berry who was bullied so relentlessly by his school peers for being a Virgin that on the morning of his seventeenth birthday he brought a gun to school and shot himself. They found his body lying on the floor of the school bathroom along with four suicide notes describing why he did it and the fact that he had nowhere to go for help or support. (view his story here)

And if you think that this sort of bullying is only a problem for Virgin males, you’re wrong. I have heard stories of Virgin girls that were beaten up by gangs of other girls just for being Virgins. In another story a 17-year-old girl wanted to drop out of school because she was being hit and called names by the other kids because she was a Virgin. Then the boy she went to prom with started a rumor that he had sex with her things got worse. The other boys wanted her to “put out” for them too. Of course, she refused and then she stared being sexually harassed in addition to being bullied. 

Sexual harassment is also a huge issue for sexually abstinent people. I read one story about a guy who was forced to quit a high paying job because he was being sexually harassed by female co-workers who taunted him about his Virginity and subjected him to sexually explicit harassment. He is now attempting to sue for damages for sexual harassment, sexual discrimination, and victimization.  

This story hit home for me because I myself had to quit a job after co-workers found out that I was a Virgin and the sexual harassment became ridiculous. Sexually abstinent people also face discrimination. I haven’t been able to find any articles on it but in Spike Lee movie “School Daze” there was a fraternity that openly refused to admit Virgins. And since art imitates life such a situation had to exist somewhere.

The reason I’m saying all this is to get people to wake up. Anti-chaste bullying, sexual harassment, and discrimination has to stop. And the first step to doing that is by telling our stories and breaking the silence and apathy that surrounds this issue. What we really need is an organization to fight for the rights of Virgin and Celibate people just like the gays and every other group has. In the meantime, It’s my hope that this group will provide help and support for anyone dealing with these issues. A support group like this is what poor Michael Berry did not have. Perhaps he would still be alive had there been one.

Meeting Otis Wilson and betting on Ebay.

Last night I went to the supermarket to pick up the few things that my last four dollars until payday would allow me to buy. As I came in I heard music playing and noticed a couple of tables set up in the aisle. An average looking African-American man wearing a baseball cap sat behind the first table covered with a blue tablecloth and sporting the name and logo of the Chicago Bears and a popular beer brand. A large wheel sat on the second table which was covered with CDs, DVDs, posters, T-shirts, and other trinkets. Two college age girls stood beside this table, also covered with a blue tablecloth and advertising a popular radio station in the in the area. It wasn’t the first time a radio station broadcasted a live show from this store, and it wasn’t unusual to see some sort of contest or promotion going on, so I didn’t think much of it. My mind was too consumed with the fact that I was flat broke, and that I wouldn’t be able to buy enough food with four dollars to last the next two days until I got paid.

 “Hello, Miss!” the African-American man in the baseball cap cheerfully called out to me. “Would you like a free gift from the Chicago Bears today?” “Well… I’m not really a football fan,” I said. “YOU’RE NOT A BEARS FAN?!” he said indignantly. This was Chicagoland. To not be a Bears fan in Chicagoland was unpatriotic, immoral, and unwise. It wasn’t that I didn’t support the Bears or that I had no pride in “sweet home Chicago.” (I was born and raised in the city before my mom dragged me to this crappy town in the suburbs) I just don’t watch football; it’s boring and I don’t understand it.

“Yes, I like the Bears,” I said as I approached the table, “I just don’t know much about football.” “Do you have any children around you?” the man asked. “Yes,” I said thinking of my students. He pulled a color photograph from a stack of photographs at the corner of the table. It was a picture on a man in a Bears uniform running with a football.  The face of the man in the picture was hidden under the helmet, so I didn’t realize that it was the same man in front of me until he began to sign it. “Are you a Bear?” I asked, showing my ignorance. Without answering, he handed me the picture. I squinted trying to make out the illegible signature. “Your kids will know who it is,” the man said. Then, my eyes scrolled to the bottom of the page to find the name “Otis Wilson” printed in boldface type. “Oh, you’re Otis Wilson!” I said, “I’ve heard of you!” He smiled. When we shook hands his hand locked around mine with a steel grip and I was amazed by the amount of strength he had. I knew that a lot of hard work and committment went into being physically able to play at the level that he does.

I was about to move on when the two girls at the next table asked if I would like to spin the wheel for a prize. “Why not?” I said.  I watched as the wheel went round and all the things that I wanted — CDs and DVDs — spun by before the wheel stopped on “Poster.”  A Russell Crowe poster for the movie The Next Three Days was the best one there, so I took it.

It was a pleasant experience at the grocery store on a Saturday night, and for a time I forgot about my financial woes. But I came back to earth when I got to the cash register and my $4.00 could not pay for the few items I had. So I gave the cashier $4.00 in cash and paid the rest with my debit card, which would deduct the amount from my rent money. I was left with two quarters, one nickel, and three pennies at the bottom of my purse. On the way out I took the two quarters and brought a lottery ticket; I figured I had nothing to lose.

I wondered what I was going to do with that autographed picture and movie poster. I had no use for it. Then I thought why not put this stuff on Ebay? An autograph from Otis Wilson has to be worth something. And that poster might get me a buck or two. In fact, there are a lot of things lying around the house that I can try to sell on Ebay, but even if I don’t it can’t be any more risky than playing the lottery.

By the way… I didn’t win.

Glee hits a sour note for adult Virgins

Glee, that show about a geeky high school glee club, is a guilty pleasure that I’m almost embarrassed to admit I like. It’s a cornball, PG-13, pop music, high school, bubblegum, melodrama that at my age I’m supposed to be above watching. Still, I never miss an episode. And tonight is Glee night, so I’ll be parked in front of my TV set with a bag of microwave popcorn as usual. I don’t know what’s in store this week, but last week was as melodramatic as ever when a hip and popular substitute teacher played by Gwyneth Paltrow, almost took Mr. Schuster’s job as Glee club director. However, it’s episode that aired the week before it that I’m still reeling from. In this episode called never been kissed Coach Beiste outed herself as a Virgin when she admitted that she had never kissed.

Although Glee is one of my favorite shows and I appreciate the fact that  it  has made Virgins more visible in that it has several Virgin characters, I resent the stereotypical image of Virginity presented in the never been kissed episode.The idea that adult Virgins are just unattractive losers that can’t get laid is one of the most pervasive stereotypes out there, and Glee perpetuates it through Coach Beiste.

The physical appearance of Coach Beiste, the hefty, unattractive female gym teacher that coaches the football team, has been the butt of jokes since her character first appeared on the show. Even her name is a joke because “Beiste” sounds like “beast“, and that is essentially what she is being called. In the never been kissed episode, her appearance was mocked by the glee kids who used mental images of her to kill their sexual desire during make-out sessions with partners that wouldn’t put out. After she had been insulted and publicly humiliated by this she revealed in a sob story to Mr. Schuster that she was 40 and had never been kissed. Mr. Schuster gave her a “pity kiss” which she gladly accepted as any stereotypical Virgin with no chance of getting a man would. 

The stereotypical image of Virginity as a condition of sexually undesirable people is based on prejudice and ignorance. Looks have nothing to do with sexual experience. Lots of unattractive people have lost their Virginity simply because they were willing to put out; and lots of attractive people have kept their Virginity because they don’t believe in sleeping around. Coach Beast (Oops, I mean, Coach Beiste.) does not represent the majority of adult Virgins any more than Emma Pillsbury, the other adult Virgin character on the show whose paranoid fear of germs makes her avoid all closeness and intimacy, does. I think it’s sad that Glee which is supposed to be all about acceptance cannot accept adult Virginity without negative stereotypes. And I think its hypocritical that a show that promotes a message of tolerance would promote the intolerant view that there must be something wrong with someone who remains a Virgin into adulthood.

It’s wonderful that Glee has helped to make Virgins more visible by portraying them as part of the social landscape, but it’s only until Glee accepts Virgins and Virginity without stereotypes or prejudice that it will actually practice what it preaches.

Vampire Virgin!

Virgins rule in “Dracula: Pages from A Virgin’s Diary”!

I don’t like horror movies. Halloween is the one and only time of year when I watch them. Most of these movies are terrible, and I’ve seen some real bombs in Halloweens’ past. This year I’m on a vampire kick. In addition to wanting to be one for Halloween, my movie selections the past couple weeks have included vampire flicks. Personally, I prefer the traditional vampires that hated crosses and daylight, were purely demonic, and made no apologies for what they were — not the whiny, sensitive, all-too-human vampires that are popular today. Therefore, my movie selections included older, less mainstream versions of the vampire saga. And being “traditional” vampires, as those in my movies were, only the blood of a Virgin would satisfy them.

I really don’t like the way Virgins are portrayed as hapless victims in many of these films. I certainly don’t see myself that way. I identified more with the vampires than with these stereotypical Virgins. Vampires and Virgins have a lot in common in that neither of them have sex! And like vampires, Chaste Virgins aren’t even interested in it.

A lot of misinformed people think people that don’t desire sex are “asexual,” but using vampires as an example I can show that this is untrue. Despite the fact that they don’t have sex or want to, Vampires are some of the most sexual creatures there are. It’s just that their sexuality is centered a desire for blood instead of a desire for sex. The act of drinking someone’s blood is for a vampire what sex is for mortals. Similarity, Chaste Virgins are sexual too. Being Chaste does not mean that you are not sexual. It just means that your sexuality is centered around a desire for intimacy instead of a desire for sex. The act of being close to someone and receiving emotional gratification of needs in the form of intimacy is to a Chaste Virgin what sex is to others. Take a vampire, substitute the need for intimacy for the need for blood, and there you have the sexuality of a Chaste Virgin. So many sexually active people have such a hard time understanding how sexuality can exist without sex when they need only watch any vampire movie to get a perfect example of it.

This Halloween I want to be a vampire to because it expresses, not the impotent victim the world thinks I am, but the strong sexual being that I know myself to be.

Black Beauty

Dear Journal,

I now have a new addition to my household! Monday I adopted a lovely cat from the humane society. This large house has been so empty since my mother died. And though I know that a pet can never replace her, it can fill part of the void she left. I named my cat “Beauty.” She’s jet black with large yellow eyes. I did not set out to adopt a black cat. I don’t consider myself superstitious but there were times when I would turn around and walk the other way to avoid crossing paths with a black cat just in case. But after looking at dozens of cats in the past few weeks, Beauty was the one that I bonded with, and she just happened to be black. Why let a silly superstition deprive me of a great pet? Besides, I’m black too.

Why is it that anything black is bad? A lot of people, without even knowing me, would assume that I am a “bad” woman because I’m black according to an age-old myth that all black women are promiscuous. This myth is perpetuated by the modern media (particularly rap lyrics and music videos) that portrays black women as “whores.” Yes, there are a lot of black women that are promiscuous but not all are. I certainly am not. It only takes one person to prove that a stereotype is not true, and that you can’t paint a whole group of people with a broad brush. And I know for a fact that I am not the only Chaste Virgin/Celibate black woman around. You wouldn’t know that by looking at the media, though. White women get portrayed as “whores” too by the male oriented media, but there are enough positive images of white women to counteract it. Black women on the other hand are portrayed negativity 9 times out of 10. Do you know how difficult it is for me to find an avatar that depicts a virginal image of a black woman? Google “black woman” and “virgin” and see what you come up with. 

I know from personal experience that anyone who believes that black women are over-sexed just because they’re black is sadly misguided. So why should I be so misguided as to believe that this sweet little kitty that I adopted will bring bad luck just because she’s black? I prefer to believe that black can be beautiful… that’s why I named my cat “Beauty.”

  • Author: Miss Daphne

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